justin

Glad I was given the Pumpkin Pie assignment for Friendsgiving so I didn’t go with my instinct and bring a judgemental family member and an acoustic guitar.

While waiting for the light to turn green at a busy 4-way intersection, I watched a man walk into the road to share a cheeseburger with a dog in the back of a strangers truck and hope they have a good week.

Apple Music playlists are like *shuffle all* here’s Mr. Brightside followed by part 2 of the Wrath of the Khans podcast

we need to show some empathy and understanding to our disappointed brothers and sisters in sauron’s orc army

I assume many people softly whisper “you’re tearing me apart” with a Tommy Wiseau accent while scrolling through social media because we’re collectively losing our minds.

[remembering what I learned in school about the composition of a formal letter to a group or organization] *writes* For WHOM the bell tolls, I am concerned periodt

Considering TN is historically an absurdly red state, it’s a small relief that the only signs supporting a predator on my street are for the hockey team.

hot girl: do u wanna go back to my place me: *just learned reverse psychology* no 😎

Keep an eye on your friend who ‘stays out of politics’ and hasn’t read anything but young adult fiction in 10 years. They won’t know who to trust after qanon implodes and their sketchy personal trainer starts a cult.

Anaesthetist: count backwards from 100 Me: 100..99..98 Me: ..3..2..1...now what? Anaesthetist *muffled* you have to find me

Disney Executive: We need our own version of a superhero spinoff franchise based on a classic character. Any ideas? Writer: *scrolling through fonts keyboard* I- uh..

Pulling up in front of my house during a thunderstorm as the song ‘dark days’ by local natives fades in on the radio and a wave of nostalgia washes over with the painful reminder of everyone saying “ugh, 2016 sucks” while simultaneously catching Pokémon at concerts.

“What about whataboutism” I shouted after hurling a bale of hay at a scarecrow.

Weird flex, guy exercising with a sledgehammer at the park.

Do your own research. These could be socks. Let that sink in, sheeple.

I just heard a guy outside of a restaurant with no mask say “covid is actually bad for your body, it’s like smoking a cigarette, it won’t kill you but it’s still bad” and the other guy said “that’s an interesting comparisment” 🥴

In these uncertain times, it’s still highly probable there’s a spider behind your bookshelf.

“It appears you underestimated the bravery of a man in flip flops,” I say out loud to the dead wasp in the trash can that chased me inside and across the house despite being smaller than my pinky.

A tricked out Infiniti coupe just zoomed away after I crossed the street and I involuntarily made an irritated Wookie noise to mock the tone of its exhaust.

No one is more certain about the direction of their life than a brunch drunk tourist on an electric scooter.