Steph Horan

CARLY TOOK MY SWORD IM FUCKING FREQKING OUT

“you can get two pistachios and uh…” “you had me at piss”

filling out my nhl bracket with the same whimsy 🍭

went with my heart in the oscar pool & i am being punished for it

drinking the chunkiest margarita

if humans laid eggs, what would we do with them

big day at work

100th oscars on my birthday, gotta start planning now

sometimes my mom will call me and i'll answer and she'll go "let me call you right back" and hangs up

“lot of finger action, couldn’t really figure it out”

“i didn’t think you’d be able to walk around after looking at your mri” “well, i eat shit off the ground”

wish i could remember what this was for

“well, get your pissed pants on”

did marty supreme know forrest gump

laying weird on the couch is all we got

“if trump dies i’m taking my tits out in the office”

other teams at trivia are stealing MY team’s signature “woo” and it’s embarrassing, get your own thing

my life has gone to shit since i stopped eating bagels

@AmericasComic kermit smokes newports

being commissioned to write fanfic about my women’s league surviving the apocalypse

Childhood made you think that you’d see the Oscar Mayer hot dog mobile everywhere. Like just casually driving on 93, there it is. Stuck at red lights with it. I’ve never seen that shit once. My entire life.