Phillip T Stephens

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

@stephens_pt

Author of Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell and The Worst Noel on Kindle, Nook and iBooks.

@stephens_pt Katılım Ocak 2015
1.4K Takip Edilen1.6K Takipçiler
Phillip T Stephens
Phillip T Stephens@stephens_pt·
Imhotep’s sarcophagus opened. The archeologist lowered the lid into the dust on the floor. When he stood, Imhotep strangled him and let his limp body slide to the floor. He sniffed under his arms and gagged. Six goddam movies and Universal still wouldn’t provide new wrappings.
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Phillip T Stephens
Phillip T Stephens@stephens_pt·
The extra playing the farmer stumbled into the closet with the invisible man. “Aren’t you in the other room?” “They film a take without me, then shoot me and superimpose.” When asked why he was still naked, the invisible man replied, “It’s called method acting and it sucks.”
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Phillip T Stephens
Phillip T Stephens@stephens_pt·
Esmerelda rushed to the dock when Julie screamed. The creature swam away in the distance. Julie lifted her skirt. “He was going to rape me but he said it smelled like fish.” Esmerelda said, “You’re lucky. Imagine doing it with a sexist bastard like that. Men are such monsters.”
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Phillip T Stephens
Phillip T Stephens@stephens_pt·
Contributed Tweets for Phillip T Stephens are recycled from Tweets Donald Trump discarded because they were too over the top. Even for him.
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Phillip T Stephens
Phillip T Stephens@stephens_pt·
After weeks of resistance, the Bride of Frankenstein consented to consummate their marriage. The monster lifted her skirt and discovered her vagina had been sewn shut. The doctor admitted, “I wasn’t ready for you to procreate. And it doesn’t matter. I never repaired your ED.”
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Phillip T Stephens
Phillip T Stephens@stephens_pt·
Frankenstein’s monster, the Wolfman, and Dracula stumbled into a patch of mushrooms. Later, Wolfman wondered why there weren’t more colors than black and white—like red. Dracula wondered why there wasn’t real blood in their films. Wolfman said, “If it were real, it’d be red.”
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Phillip T Stephens
Phillip T Stephens@stephens_pt·
Bob hated nature walks. Both the walking and nature. “It’s so damned hot,” he whined. Sue said, “Stop complaining, Bob, It’s a bright, sunny day.” “So bright the grass is on fire and the trees are melting?” “That would be the alien magnifying glass in front of the sun.” #TwtS
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Phillip T Stephens
Phillip T Stephens@stephens_pt·
Jan was afraid to pet the wolf cub at the petting zoo. “Don’t they bite?” The guide said, “Nothing to worry about. Their bark is worse than their bite.” She pulled her hand back, her fingers shredded and bloody. “Their bark’s worse than this?” “You should hear their bark.” #Tw
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Phillip T Stephens
Phillip T Stephens@stephens_pt·
Karen dreaded her camping trip with boyfriend Mark. She was a city girl, never imagined leaving it. While hiking through the trees she said, “Snakes scare me.” “Don’t worry. They’re more scared of you.” A rattlesnake drop from a limb and bit her. “Except those snakes.” #TwtSto
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