Alan Bennett FRICS, Surveyor

*off Had to sign-off with a typo.

That is it. I am no longer a property professional. Retired. Account closed. It has been fun. No more fee forecasts, Ruperts or freezing my balls of in empty shit-pits. No schedules, tables, lists and fucking shit proformas. Hi-viz binned, glove box full of pens ditched.

Pre-recorded British exceptionalist tripe dressed up as duty to the proles.

@ASK_des As Miss Shepherd would have probably said “You are one of those snowflakes, possibly”.

Jacob Rees-Mogg. Mam would never forgive me for this, but I’ll say it anyway. He is a cunt.

@MulberryHomesUK @PHQUK The render will look like Blackpool Beach in a few years time once the algae takes hold, mark my words. #cynical

Our Meadow View Fields development in Moulton has been looking fab in the recent Autumnal weather! 🍁 🏡🍂 #moulton #newhomes #lastchancetobuy

@miskinblue @BBCPolitics Stating facts is not name calling you utter numb nut. Calling you numb nut is of course name calling, for which I will not apologise.

@BBCPolitics Starmer is reading the Drakeford playbook....to deflect from your own abject bloody failures you jump on twittter and call Boris names like a feckless amatuer.

"To have to withdraw in this House and then scuttle out like a beetle and tweet it is, I think, utterly disrespectful to this House" Jacob Rees-Mogg criticises Labour leader Keir Starmer for calling Boris Johnson a "coward" bbc.in/3FqgCsS

I haven’t felt the need to post for a while, so here is my post.

He is a twat is he not?

They only came into the office when there were “cakes in the kitchen” for Janet’s 50th.

This puts me in mind of when Rupert in the the valuation team (along with Tarquin and Rufus) decided to get into running to woo a client (Charles from Ponsomby-Smith & Belmont-D’Church Developments). Needless to say Rupert went to Darcy Float-Naff who schooled at Dulwich.

@Jacob_Rees_Mogg The only speed and efficiency was in handing money out to your Eton chums, donors and assorted spivs. If you so hate process why are you the filibuster-in-chief for the Tory party? You are nothing but an arrogant toffee-nosed streak of grift.

@Jacob_Rees_Mogg Profit. Greed. Grift.

I’ve always hated tripods. I’m about as proficient at levelling up as Michael ‘northerners are dirty and toothless’ Gove.

@PeteFlintMurray They will privatise anything to advance their paymasters and Eton-allies. Even a test for reversing a fucking lorry.

@BBCBreaking @BBCNews

UK National Insurance rate for workers to rise by 1.25%, as part of Prime Minister Boris Johnson's plans to fund health and social care in England bbc.in/3n7eQa3

I am minded of the time I was hoodwinked into celebrating Rupert the land agent’s inheritance celebrations. His brother in-law (Darius) had gone off the rails, became a QS and had been buying sniff from some of (what he (crudely) termed were his common friends from the site.

Cheer up fellow surveyors, it will soon be the weekend. “The weekend” or as I like to call it, a fucking comma in a life sentence.

Retirement in the offing. Now I see the light at the end of the tunnel and the countdown begins, each hour feels like a week. The proverbial Rita Hayworth poster will soon be torn off the wall, by disgruntled colleagues wondering what the hell happened.

It has been often said that writing is 99 percent perspiration and 1 percent inspiration... I say building surveying is 99 percent finding the right key to a riser cupboard amongst 50 unlabelled keys and 1 percent cutting and pasting from previous reports.