your tour guide

To whom it may concern:

Meghan Markle has unveiled yet another painstakingly curated tableau for her interminably rebranded lifestyle venture, As Ever, proving once again that no one in recorded history has ever gazed so reverently at themselves whilst clutching a lukewarm herbal beverage. Draped in an absurdly oversized white shirt and what appeared to be the sort of bow one normally finds on an over enthusiastically bleak Christmas hamper, the Dime-Store Duchess posed in high-waisted jeans amongst dying tulips and strategically abandoned carbohydrates, staring into the middle distance with all the gravity of a woman awaiting news from the Russian front rather than promoting jam. The entire production had the unmistakable air of a scented candle advertisement filmed by someone who says “intentional living” without irony. One half expected soft panpipes to begin playing as Meghan contemplated her own magnificence beside a scone fighting for its life under a suspicious quantity of preserves. Critics, naturally, were merciless. Some likened the video to a 1950s self-romance reel. Others compared her slow-motion strut to an ageing rock star attempting seduction after several Hennessys too many… And frankly, both assessments were charitable. The clip radiated the sort of aggressively manufactured authenticity usually found in airport wellness boutiques and Gwyneth Paltrow fanny scented fever dreams. Supporters, meanwhile, insisted the aesthetic was “serene” and “elegant”, which is… one interpretation!. Another is that it looked like a catalogue for expensive disappointment. Still, the faithful continue to applaud every sloppy jar of jam and every wilted floral arrangement as though they are witnessing the cultural rebirth of Florence rather than a former C-list cable actress arranging toast beside a teacup. ‘As Ever’, formerly known as the catastrophically titled ‘American Riviera Orchard’, continues its determined march towards becoming the first brand entirely sustained by un-ironed beige linen, narcissism and paid press releases. What began as a jam giveaway to celebrities has now expanded into candles, teas and assorted lifestyle paraphernalia for those who enjoy paying luxury prices to feel emotionally exhausted. …And hovering over it all remains the exhausting spectacle of Meghan herself… forever posing, forever rebranding, forever attempting to convince the public that staring wistfully at baked goods constitutes depth.

The Lady of the Manor recently informed me that I ought to be “more like Jesus”. Wanting, naturally, to support her vision for my spiritual development, I’ve taken the matter rather seriously. So far I’ve increased my wine intake, taken to calling sanctimonious people hypocrites to their faces, and developed a mild but noticeable habit of irritating those in positions of power and authority. Apparently this is “not remotely what she meant”. Still, I must say I’m feeling rather divine about the whole thing. Slightly persecuted, wonderfully misunderstood, and only one donkey short of a full biblical experience. In my view, that counts as a triumph.💙✝️🎩

Fires breaking out at refineries all over the U.S. including Tulsa Oklahoma near where I live

@LeaderJohnThune You’re a fing disgrace

@SenMarkKelly You leaked classified information again. You must lose your security clearance.

The Truth about Joe Biden’s mental health is going to come out. The audio of him talking to DOJ prosecutor Robert Hur as Biden’s attorney’s fight to not release it. There’s a new Trump DOJ and that changes everything youtu.be/iRRzVtjYaLE?si…

@DakdaR22 @Terry_MacLeod Fortunately the soldiers of Ukraine are loyal, brave and dedicated. Unlike this immature, disloyal traitor who turned on his family. Frankly he’s an embarrassment to the Crown and he is making Charles look like a sap.

@DakdaR22 He did nothing in Afghanistan except put other soldiers’ lives at risk. He’s a fraud. Even though I support Ukraine you have to ignore him.

@bethanybelton @elonmuskcode @elonmusk I do. I’m a Grandmother and I like children!

@elonmuskcode @elonmusk Read the room. 🇿🇦🇿🇦🇿🇦

"Lil X is tough as nails!" @elonmusk 💞💞💞

@elonmuskcode @elonmusk Oh my gosh! He’s so cute! He resembles Elon Musk, I’ll bet Elon’s Mom is over the moon with him!😍🫶🏼😍

@Itx_judith Yep!

ICE has been seen waiting outside immigration courts to catch criminal illegals the moment they walk out. IS THIS WHAT YOU VOTED FOR?!

@mattvanswol @CaptainHottub We need to write Providence a letter. I don’t know now if it’s that good a spot to take Summer vacation. If they’re this weird over a girls poster. Maybe it wouldn’t be a nice place to go.

I cannot believe this... They just pulled down the Iryna Zarutska mural in Providence, Rhode Island today. The mayor called her memorial “divisive.” George Floyd got murals in EVERY MAJOR CITY and it was called "UNITY"!!! ...but Iryna's face on a wall is divisive?!!!

@TRUMP_ARMY_ God is watching Kayleigh! Do not defend yourself. GOD will do that for you!

@TRUMP_ARMY_ @melanoma321 Who are these Neanderthals that did this? Obviously not doctors.

SHOCKING 😱 — Miss North Florida winner Kayleigh Bush's crown was revoked for saying that men CANNOT become women. Bush speaks out after her crown was revoked: "I didn't lose my crown because I broke a rule. I lost the crown because I was unwilling to rewrite the TRUTH."

@SaltyGoat17 Heartbreak’s for that little girl. Her Father acted like a GREAT Father would

@SReillyid @SaltyGoat17 He probably told her to run home fast. Which is what I would have done.

@SaltyGoat17 Good!!! Not sure it was a good thing for your daughter to witness. I would have done the same! How dare Ranch hand do this to a 5 year old little fire. He is sick. The judge did the right thing.

Y'all think the grand jury did the right thing here?

@SaltyGoat17 @Rocky16349710 Mary where’s your nose ring? Your glasses could be larger. Is there a cat waiting for you at home?

Meet Mary Moriarty, a DA in Minnesota. She gave Abdimahat Bille Mohamed, a 28-year-old Somali national, 5 YEARS PROBATION for r*ping a 15 year old girl. NO JAIL TIME. While on probation he kidnapped and repeatedly r*ped another woman who he held for ~6 days in a Bloomington hotel. When are we going to start holding these soft on crime Democrats accountable?!?

Here it is: EDISON RESEARCH CONFIRMS STATES USING DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS SWITCHED 435,000 VOTES FROM TRUMP TO BIDEN. DOMINION DELETED 2.7 MILLION TRUMP VOTES NATIONWIDE. INCLUDING OVER 1 MILLION PENNSYLVANIA VOTES SWITCHED FROM PRESIDENT TRUMP TO BIDEN.

Obama has three days to respond. Sen. John Kennedy is demanding that Barack Obama return $120 million allegedly earned through ownership stakes tied to Obamacare. Kennedy stated: “He allocated money under his own laws using taxpayer-generated prestige. There’s nothing ethical or legal about this.” Kennedy says Obama has three days to respond, or the matter will be referred to the Department of Justice for formal review.

New York City Muslim Mayor Zohran Mamdani today publicly called for America to align with Islam and "Prophet Muhammad" to support mass Muslim immigration, which is truly terrifying. He is also preparing to implement Sharia law in New York City!