Slushly@slushly_
I was asleep, but not really.
Sure, my eyes were closed, but my soul couldn't rest. My mind was stirring. I wasn't okay.
tap tap tap
"Hey, wake up."
My eyes opened. It was her. Beautiful as ever, but something wasn't right.
"Are you okay?" She questioned, but it was almost as if she also knew the answer.
"Yes," I replied.
It was a weird experience, after all. Getting out of bed had never been so difficult. It was just a matter of time before it would happen, and knowing that only reassured me that I wasn't okay.
Just like any other day, I got ready. I showered, brushed my teeth, picked out an outfit, and left out the door hand in hand with the one who makes any place feel like home. We got in the car and began to drive. I love her so much, and that, in a twisted way, is why I'm not okay. But looking to my right showed me something I wasn't expecting. I noticed the look on her face told a similar story. I did all I could think to do. I held her hand tighter. I had to stay strong. But I wasn't okay.
Shortly after..
and truthfully much shorter than I'd have liked it to be..
We had arrived at our destination. A place that I could confidently tell you is both my favorite and least favorite place of all time. Weird, isn't it? I couldn't explain to you how such excitement and also such sorrow could come from one building.
Alas, time wasn't on our side. We had to keep moving. We continued inside hand in hand, holding each other tighter than ever before. Preparing ourselves for what comes next. I wasn't okay. In fact, I was far from it.
After many steps, we had gotten to where we needed to go, but never where we had wanted to. The whole week leading up to this moment was a mere distraction from the grand finale that always met us right at the end. A seemingly evil force that always waited until we were comfortable to pull the rug right from under our feet.
It was sad, but there wasn't a thing we could do about it. All I could do was hold tighter, hoping helplessly that maybe if I held on tight enough, the force, ever-so-strong, wouldn't be able to pull her from my grasp. But I knew deep down that no matter how strong I was, this was a fight that I couldn't win. And because of that, I wasn't okay.
Time is sick, a cruel and twisted force that almost seems like it knows when to speed up and when to slow down, and it certainly wasn't sparing us. Time moved faster than I'd have liked it to..
And truthfully much faster than I'd have liked it to..
Until eventually, it had arrived.
"Boarding all Zones 1-5."
She looked at me. Tears welled up in her eyes, and for a second, mine did too. But I suppressed them. I had to stay strong. But I wasn't okay.
I walked her to the line and stood with her, approaching the counter with unfortunate haste. I realized that our time was drawing near. I realized that it was time to go our separate ways. I realized that it was time for me to go home but, in a twisted way, also leave my home at the same time. I wasn't okay, because without her, I'd never be okay.
I couldn't do anything about it. It was time. We made it to the counter. I gave her one last hug, a kiss, and through tears, she told me "See you later." and I felt my heart tear in two. I was never okay, despite saying I was, despite holding back tears, despite kissing and hugging her goodbye, despite all of it, I knew I wasn't okay. Because without her, I was half of the whole I'm meant to be. Without her, I'm lonely, and truthfully, much more lonely than I'd like to be.
Scan
A green light appeared on the glass of the machine. She was all clear, and so she began to walk. She walked what seemed like the longest 10 feet ever seen before. She looked back through tear-filled eyes and waved a last goodbye, and I waved back with a look of hope and perseverance. I knew I needed to stay strong for her in that moment. I needed to stay strong for us. She turned one more corner, and she was gone. I wouldn't see her again.
It was at that moment I turned and began to walk to my own plane. We were in the airport after all, a place that can bring me the best moments and the worst, a place that can bring me the best hellos and the worst goodbyes, or as we like to call them, "see you laters." But as I began to walk, I realized that my mask was slipping. I couldn't keep up the facade anymore. And so I too began to break down. I had been strong enough for long enough.
And now, as I sit here in my chair back home, I realize the beauty of it all, the beauty of the trips, the beauty of us, the beauty of her. But most importantly, the beauty of saying "See you later" rather than "Goodbye." Because goodbye can mean forever. See you later can't, and I'll always take solace in knowing that another time will come soon. Because she's away, and because of that, I'm not okay. But I know that one day, she'll complete me once again and bring the other half back to my whole. I just hope that day comes sooner rather than later...
And truthfully speaking...
I hope it comes much sooner rather than later.
💛🩵
