dont test me ill shrink u

i have i’m poster syndrome

long overdue, the whole institution is political, one big circle jerk if you ask me

i just won an ox car

who up and tryna suck on this earth titty

my gf has no gag reflex, I tell her a joke and she just stares at me

my vegan gf broke up with me :( she wanna turn this hummus into a hummher :’(

spending time with my strong beautiful gf by having her wear me like a backpack as she cuts up hotdogs into pieces for my mac ‘n roni ‘n cheese

me: i hate my job gf: why don’t you try living off the land me: like in the sky? gf: what me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

gf that i made up for this tweet: wait WHAT? i’m made up? and i don’t even get a name? wh—what’s a tweet?? is this hell??? me, thinking about 90s russian pop sensations “t.A.T.u”: *mumbling* ...they’re not gonna get us........ not gonna get uuuuuussss........

[about to have sex with gf for the first time] gf, from outside my apartment: um can i come in yet me, just finished pulling up a pirates of the caribbean theme 10hr playlist: aye lass, permission to come aboard

my gf is lost in the forbidden zone :(

[shaking my gf awake from a deep slumber] am i annoying? be honest

[after sex] my gf: aw is somebody all tuckered out? me: mmhmm 🥺🥱😴

sometimes you see a belly and think to yourself “heh that’s a belly i’d laugh at” but you’re not even thinking about The Problems. the ones we’re facing, today

haven’t had a good belly laugh in a while. life is just too serious to be laughing at bellies right now

@dave_cactus literally crushing your goals 💪😤💪

@vangobot Truly the dream. 😍

what if we kissed while being crushed to death by the modular apartment 😳🫣😘

literally how else could this possibly go, like what do you want from the guy, he’s a vampire

[haven’t watched interview with the vampire yet but] interviewer: well you’re certainly qualified… hmm can you explain this gap? the vampire: yeah uh i was being a vampire

@alexlumaga frankly i’m impressed at this guy’s speed, you can tell that’s years of apartment showing practice paying off

@vangobot I'm very impressed by this (most people can't afford an invisible keyboard)

in the alternate fucked up bizarro universe, everyone liked and RTd this and didn’t see it

[alternate fucked up bizarro universe] (after group photo) okay now let’s take a normal one