vladchoc

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

Last night, while swiping fruit into adjacent squares (in order to save a king from a bear) I ran out of magic figs and had to watch an ad in which you swipe eggs into adjacent squares (in order to get ready for your big date) and I was like heeeey, I can get INTO this.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

@vladchoc I'm having a similar problem. I've tried everything: humane traps, growing out my beard to establish whisker dominance, trying to lure them out with old Speedy Gonzales cartoons, glue traps. I've accepted that I'm dumber than an animal whose brain is the size of a grain of rice

Having a huge problem with mice. I've tried everything. Saying mean things about them behind their back. Eating all of my cheese crackers DIRECTLY in front of them. I am literally running out of solutions.

@ardnax1 Ooh then I can say “There will be two bonks. You bonking the wall and…“ hang on I’m writing this down this is great.

@vladchoc Have you tried painting a fake hole in the wall so they run into it and then you can bonk them with a comically large mallet?

@kneedull Thank you! Will give this a go. Bonus: it smell good.

@vladchoc put peppermint oil on cotton balls and put them around the areas they come in / congregate. it screws up their breathing kinda like pepper spray (if this is a real problem)

The Fallout series has always perpetuated unrealistic body standards. Your limbs and head will not necessarily explode in slow motion when they receive critical damage and that is ok.

@abasketofcraig Dang, good advice. Be careful though. I read this biography once about this elderly woman who ate a fly but then had to eat a spider and bigger and bigger things to solve the initial problem. Such a sad way to live.

@vladchoc I started feeding all the stray cats in my neighborhood, and now I haven't seen a mouse in years. The raccoons though, that's a thing. They've teamed up with the cats. I'm thinking of forming an alliance with the crows.

Spotify is telling me I need to discover The Beatles. They good?

kicked out of McDonald’s for asking how much the other burgers weigh

Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself, look life straight in the eye and say “Sorry. I ruined everything. It’s all my fault and I feel absolutely sick about it every day”.

Inside me there are two wolves. One is “don’t post much.” The other, “post a lil bit sometimes.”

And then she said those three words I’ve been waiting so long to hear.

@MiahSaint Whoa! Congratulations!!!

A real reminder to check the guest wing of your castle.

Twitter is finally getting this ad thing right, I was telling my wife I was in the market for some tight tolerance, thin-walled aluminum extrusions manufactured in my home state and this popped up.

@MiahSaint Sorry for the late reply, I couldn’t get out of bed when I heard the news. I love this image so much. Miss you and hope you’re doing well. xoxox

45 minutes into Billy the Kid versus Dracula and he gives you this look

Just a heads up. If you’re doing research and the article you’re reading ends with square after square of conventionally attractive women and gross, nonsensical medical imagery… the site is bad and you have done goofed.

[turns down stereo and looks at date] so that's korn