🤍،

pharmacists will go “do not consume alcohol with this medication,” like bitch do you expect me to dry swallow eight of these capsules?

me: look little german boy, it’s the greatest of all time little german boy: oh mein goat

enter shikari

@thk6634 happy birthday!! 🎉🎉 i hope ur day’s been terrific so far

@keepitonice they foresaw this

i almost just dropped my phone on my face but I dodged last second, my life just flashed before my eyes

call her a migraine the way she’s giving me head til i ache

@0calpony LMAOOO this is so spot on, they really would start saying something like “he bye-byed himself..”

critically acclaimed sequel to The Hi Hi Man

me to my friend when we’re done w the hangout:

i want to show you guys too, this beautiful horse pendant necklace i got thanks to rem showing me!!! its the most beautiful thing in the world to me...as you all know i adore horses

@caffeineslushie im so happy abt this

@cannibalr0mance oh my god that's oomf

guy who downs an entire bottle of white wine before his colonoscopy because "it's a clear liquid"

get off your high horse....and tell it to stop smoking all my weed for fucks sake!!!!

you're gonna get it. (receding hairline)

@mesmerlimia tool fan who resells concert tickets for a massive upcharge so they make enough profit to afford the fetus in skull half-scale maquette

@vomitugw ticketbastard the month before a tool gig

thrift store called badwill where everything is criminally overpriced

or is this just some online resellers