Becky Vieira | Witty Otter

Society started referring to moms as superheroes because it was easier to sit back and let us do everything while making it seem like a compliment rather than taking things off our plates, or actually stepping up and helping us.

The bat way to find something you’ve lost is to buy a new one. It will turn up as soon as you use the replacement to the point where it can no longer be returned.

Felicia just texted and asked me to let everyone know that she also says “bye,” and that she made it home safely.

I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to call anyone a cunt on Tuesdays. I’ll call them a “lady taco” instead.

Another mom said something about my son right in front of me, not knowing who I was. I wonder if that dumb cunt will ever know just how severe of a near-death experience she survived that day.

Before you call me a cunt and proudly parade around like you did something special, remember this: I’ve been calling cunts a cunt since my preteen days, back when I was reading Flowers in the Attic and burning my face with Sea Breeze astringent. You have know idea who you’re messing with.

I know people always say “don’t worry about it, no one will remember!” but in third grade, Steve Watson threw up in class and I remember every detail of it. He was wearing a red flannel shirt. His barf was filled with peas and carrots. After he threw up, he had snot running from his nose and he said it tasted like vomit and peas. Our class went to the library while Ron, our school janitor, cleaned it up. That was 41 years ago. Anyhow, do with this information what you will.

A true cunt knows that if you run into someone who doesn’t like you, it’s best to make sure they leave with a longer list.

In case you didn’t know, my life would be absolute garbage without you in it. Like feral raccoons fighting over stale pizza-type garbage. So thank you for being you—and keeping me out of life’s dumpster.

Here’s a fun brain teaser: name a root word that can be used as an adverb, verb, noun and adjective—all in one sentence. I’ll go first: I cuntly cuntpunted the cunt because she was acting all cunty toward my best friend.

Diet Coke is 99% water. And also aspartame, but only 185 mg. You’d have to drink 18+ cans to exceed the FDA daily intake—meaning the amount you’re drinking now makes you more likely to meet your daily water goal than pickle your insides. In conclusion, don’t regret that diet soda. Be proud that you’re drinking water.

“I don’t need to hear the rest. I’ll be there in five—with a shovel.”
—me, to my best friend at least five times a week

Just so we’re clear—
our reality TV president broke the TSA
and now a guy from The Real World: Boston is trying to fix it. Makes sense.

It’s funny how you say you don’t like my peaches,
yet you won’t stop shaking my f*cking tree.

Shoot—I didn’t have “Kathy Hilton morphs into Steven Tyler” on my 2026 bingo card. usmagazine.com/celebrity-news…

“Take your time, buddy. I’ve got all day.” -Me, waiting for the pedestrian walking down the street to pass my car so I can get back to parallel parking in private.