bruh. ✌️🌈🤘

I’ve decided to start just saying random shit when people ask me how I am. Today I’m “about as happy as a barnacle on a blue whale” and I stand by it.

Please understand that this only works with internal thoughts and the minute a man does it I fantasize about discovering new, impromptu surgery techniques.

So recently to deal with my anxiety I’ve started mansplaining to myself. Break the problem down to its simplest parts and then talk myself through it like I’m an easily spooked horse.

Call me poor and bitter but I don’t believe rich people deserve

If I die and nobody calls me a cunt at the funeral imma have to come back.

As someone with a weird sleep schedule and some minor impulsivity concerns I think we need more 24 hour paint stores.

Guys, we have to start laughing at men more. They’ve gotten too comfortable and confident. No arguing, just laugh at them. Make being a man cringe again.

Imma be real with you, as a bartender with adhd the “give me one margarita…” song has been mentally devastating

You want people to stop giving you shit for the the foods you can’t eat? Don’t stop with “oh I can’t have gluten”. Tell him that a single cookie will make your insides liquid and that you’ll immediately shit your pants within moments of smelling fresh baked bread.

The best thing I’ve ever heard said about me behind my back is from my coworker to a trainee: “oh don’t worry about Casey, she just doesn’t really like men. Not sexually, just conceptually” And that’s the only way I want to be described from now on.

I love telling boys that hit on me at bars that I have a boyfriend. Not only do I get to talk about him (one of my favorite subjects), I also get to watch the light slowly leave their eyes (one of my favorite hobbies).

How much of my vibrator needs to be duct taped to justify buying a new one?

Texting while driving is out. Duolingo-ing because it’s 10 min before midnight and we’re not losing that 50 day streak while driving is in.

Nothing really describes my life atm like the “chicken bacon ranch” sandwich I got from @mcdonalds today. Still ate it tho.

Nothing like watching him sleep and fighting the urge to give him the biggest, most soul-baring, life ending, devastating chomp to whatever part of his body is closest to my mouth

This boy won’t let me see his butthole, acting like he hasn’t seen mine like hundreds of times. What is he hiding there?

I am a goose. Silly. Cunty. In desperate need of being grabbed by the neck.

Micro-dosing communication skills by talking to him when he’s already asleep

Pretty privilege is one thing but the true winners in this world are those with pretty feet.

@Mirumcer I can pull out receipts for you if you think you’re gonna judge me

@yourdrunkdog Bruh

I have discovered purgatory and it is being violently hungover in a Lowe’s to help the guy you’re not actually dating pick up a washing machine because he doesn’t have a car.