Zach Zimmerman

being single is so awesome bc I can do whatever I want (nothing) go see whomever I want (no one) and go out whenever I want (never)

you’re in the group chat having a kiki, i have a handful of deep intimate 1x1 friendships with people who hate each other

this is actually a still from The Gay Handmaid’s Tale (in development) - they’re about to salvage the two in the middle, Speedo color represents station in the society (burgundy = Chads, green = Uncles, blue = Husbands, and black = Handmaids (pool boys))

queening out with the customer service rep

slang is so funny -- you'll randomly hear your friend say "well yes!" and think oh, what a charming thing my friend is saying, and then you'll hear it somewhere else, and realize, oh, it's just part the next batch of approved things to say this month/year

google is unusable right now - end of an era

april showers bring may showers

the most intimate relationship of my life? Let’s start with UTTER ABD COMPLETE STRANGERS

woke up with incredible clarity realizing people on dating apps are LITERAL STRANGERS

sure, i'm on the "relationship escalator" in the way that guy died alone on an escalator

survivor 50 might be over, but i'm still here wondering if jonathan called Mr. Beast "Mr. Mr. Beast"?

a man who's not on social media is the most grounded, stable, stoic person you’ve ever met. a woman who's not on social media is the most toxic, chaotic, unhinged person on the planet.

If you're a millennial it's time to pick your midlife crisis: - being really nice to me - being really sweet to me - holding my hand - rubbing my back - giving me forehead kisses - cuddling me (but not for too long) - reading next to me - laughing at my jokes

Heckler DIAGNOSES comedian. Comedian HUMBLES heckler.

got so sick started rewatching The Practice (1997)

what would YOU do

why wouldn’t you put this shot on TV lol

JEFF SPOILED FIRE HAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHHAHHAHAH

got over the situationship that was actively derailing my life but now i’m bored