Spanky

I just want a better life than my kids

LOL @ people in Connecticut

Nominations to assist with research for my next book, "Places to Live That Suck the Life Out of You"?

You never know which boner will be your last

Girl are you an angel cuz I don't believe in you

Cause I'm going forwards and looking backwards open.spotify.com/track/0vcjlBUJ… @bigwreckmusic

"I’m not like most women" - Most women

It's like some days the Spotify DJ (can you guys PLEASE offer another voice?) really gets me and some days not so much, today is pretty decent

I’ve literally never had a good day after someone told me to

"The future is today" - People who don't understand time

Striking out on CPAP Singles 😒

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The ones who return shopping carts.

English people are so cute with their figgy puddings and what not

@ModeratelyMused Actually a great business idea!

If anyone needs a fake girlfriend to bring to a family dinner tonight, it’s $100, or $150 if you’d prefer I didn’t actively oppose everything they support as a useful thought exercise (or for my own amusement)

Somewhere out there there's a woman willing to suffer mild-to-moderate disappointment

I was feeling kind of ugh but then I was all like blah this is all so meh

Do bitches still be trippin?

Naughty children be afraid open.spotify.com/track/1KuIua69… @lacuna_coil

If you display decorative holiday towels you're part of the problem

Girl are you Iowa cuz no one knows anything about you

Girl are you wedding vows cuz no one believes in you