Jackman...Forever

*dog pokes me with nose* *stop, it's late* (Dog looks at me with sad eyes) *ugh, ok* [sets up poker table for him and his friends]

young people might not believe this but the internet used to be really fun.

[Me, a famous art thief] Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.” That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name “Donkey”

Putting a bell around a cow's neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy! Worm: Thanks for the "worm" welcome haha God *creates birds*

me before starting "james and the giant peach": how giant could it be. like a cantaloupe me after starting "james and the giant peach": holy fucking shit

Me: I never use essential oils Car mechanic: that's why it's on fire

I don't let penguins win any type of game because I know they're all dying to say "penguinner"

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 7.”

There’s no distance, no time zone, no language barrier that stupidity can’t transcend

Detective: where were you between 2 and 4? Me *confidently* preschool

Cop *knocking on door* open up it's the police! Me: it's ok, I haven't done any crimes Cop: The fashion police Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

WIFE: I'm expecting ME: Oh my god WIFE: a pizza delivery in 10 minutes ME: OH MY GOD

I sigh loudly, seeing my roommate has again clogged our drain with snakes and shampoo. 'She has other strengths.” I remind myself. ‘She decorated. I could never afford such realistic statues.'