johnsbuffalo

REALTOR: And moving on to the living room, you'll see we've replaced it with a ball pit. CHILD: No crown molding which was on my wish list.

Flossing the day before my dentist appointment in the hope it looks like I’ve been doing it regularly the last 6 months.

On-ramps for highways should be 10mph *faster* than the highway. To successfully merge into my lane you shouldn’t be matching my speed or slowing me down.

It’s weird that peeing in a lake is fine but the moment you pee into a lake everyone freaks out.

Michigan is beautiful this time of year.

In the future, we're going to look back on the year 2020 and wish we had done some things differently.

I think it would be funny if Avengers Doomsday ended up being a 90 minute movie.

@TheStalwart @Havelock_AI This is just like that scene in the social network

About to pop the champagne when @Havelock_AI hits its 1000th query

Some of the worst music I’ve ever heard in my life happens when they let members choose what songs are played in my planet fitness.

Harry Potter has too many characters. As a father reading it to his kids for the first time I don’t have enough voices in my bag to flip back and forth so many times. @jk_rowling

@RNAiAnalyst What’s your long term outlook price for $wve with these results?

$wve everybody was primed to look at pound-for-pound weight loss now disappointed...failing to see all the other major other benefits target will likely have. Add to this Glp-1 off-ramp, combo...

“You know that was me right”

I bet the first person to seriously throw out the idea of going to the moon always got the “okay grandma let’s get you to bed” response whenever they retold the story.

I’ve never seen a video of a pilot being sad after finding out what kind of plane they’ll be flying in the Air Force, so I think it would be funny if they just don’t show the ones that are like, “and Frank gets…that rusty bi-propeller one that has kind of a janky door handle!!!”

Here it is, the annual Top 100 over 100! For 48 of them in lieu of congratulations we ask you send flowers to their funeral home. EDIT: 49

People say you shouldn’t tell anyone if you win the lottery, but do you really think it would be that big of a mystery after I buy a zoo?

Is there a term for parents who discipline their children loudly in public for attention

Probably looks like a Mexican flag. 🇲🇽

Our unit in the Marines got a ribbon for helping clean up trash after Hurricane Katrina. I can’t wait to see what the ribbon looks like for deploying to downtown LA.

*New York City, 1885* Mr. Pepper prints out his fake doctorate degree from a diploma mill. "I'll show them", he says, nose still raw from all the cocaine.

Welcome everyone to the meeting where we set the milk fat %. First one’s easy, 0%. Next one, 1%. Wow, this is way easier than we thought. 2% is next. Let’s end the meeting guys, next one’s 3%.. *a lone figure slowly stands up in the back* “Make it 3.25%”. Everyone gasps.