zoe barton

@northernassist any info on why the 0822 Glossop to Manchester isnt departing ? Driver says hes waiting for info. He's being very good with the updates but ... what's going on? Should I abandon my journey?

To de-stress, I often imagine myself as a dragon who solves the worlds problems by eating the people I deem responsible for them. I imagine the taste to be disapponting but the texture pleasantly crunchy and vindictively satisfying.

My husband annoyed me by demanding the clean dinner plates go in a certain order in the cupboard, so I stuck his toothbrush up my bum. Now I've given myself a terrible dischargey infection and it burns when I pee.

My neighbours are mint. Over at ours for a wee Christmas social last night and she put loads of plates in "to soak" I made sure she had plenty of ex-MILs sloe gin

Completely out of tolerance for weekday mums smoking fags wearing dryrobes to the shops

My mates and I have a WhatsApp chat group where we only post our own farts. The rules are that there can only be voice notes or videos of your fart and nothing else. Nothing brightens up a dull morning more than the sound of your mate's fart.

🚨NEW POLICY ANNOUNCEMENT🚨 All Evri executives to have their Christmas presents delivered by Evri, to see how they like it. Love Christmas. Vote Binface.

😂🤣😂

My dads family come from St Helens

Mid nature wee my toddler takes a dump in the dark on some grass. I can't find the poo so I got my torch out and a man turns his torch on offering to help asking what we have dropped while she shouts she's had a MASSIVE POO.

Worked out that I am about £1.75 worse off p/week after the Budget. Half the price of a coffee. And I’m perfectly okay with that. On the other hand, 400,000 children will not go to school with an empty stomach. And if you don’t think that’s a wonderful thing, just block me.

Adulting the very balls out of today ✨️

@Teebeebee21 Preach

I've had some admin jobs hanging over me for a month. Anxiety every time I think about them. Just finished in about 90 minutes and my god I'm a new woman.

When I am Queen, people who drive like wazzocks just bcs its raining, will be made to untangle mine and all my sisters jewellery

The First World War miraculously produced all sorts of high culture. But every year on this day it is worth watching the ending of the greatest sitcom, which somehow managed to catch the tone of remembrance exactly, perfectly right.

no You bought a cheap wig from B and M and had to spend 10 mins cutting the fringe straight, covering your room with sparkly red hair snippings

theres no bigger test of patience than typing your fucking email address in on a tv with the remote

Christ on a bike.

Pretty sure this is how Terminator started.