Iron Mike

@forallcurious Cut the beeping, reduce the anxiety. Play some sweet music!

Look at the astronaut's anxiety during reentry, knowing that the capsule is at 2800 degrees on the outside.

@KhalidAlNumi Transfer to my 401k

They give you $2 million. You got 20 minutes to spend it or it's gone. Can't buy cars, planes, yachts, or houses. No gold or diamonds either. What you buying?

@historyvidos @grok is this real?

Historic! This is the highest quality video ever taken of the moon!

@Chris__X__ 1975

Based on this photo, what’s your best guess on the year it was taken?

@PressSec @WhiteHouse Go to sleep

Proud of our troops. Proud of our President. Proud to be an American. 🇺🇸

@ReddCinema Depends if that’s Churches or Popeyes

i’m ghetto?

@kevin_nealon You’re one Snickers and one ‘Add special character’ away from being unstoppable.

I was told I have low blood sugar and a weak password

@adamcarolla Optimistic, because it’s always getting turned on and then immediately disappointed when things don’t go deeper.

Name this

@dubsinfive Great rain today. We needed it.

okay well this is about worst case scenario for the okc metro ugh. you really hate to see it.

@thehill Ditto

Burchett on aliens: ‘You’d be up at night’ if ‘the things that I’ve seen’ are released thehill.com/homenews/house…

All but this one ☝🏾

Tonight’s tweets are satire. Time to call Gabe MICHAEL 🙉🙈🙊

Trump’s Jesus? Sit your ass down. Real Messiahs don’t get mentioned 38,000+ times in Epstein’s dirt files while claiming they barely knew the guy who trafficked minors. You’re just a discount Old Testament king with a Messiah complex and a very creepy contact list.

Trump is Jesus now? Babe, please. The guy whose name drops more times in the Epstein files than Jesus in the Bible isn’t the Messiah — he’s the Old Testament king who partied with the island’s favorite pedo procurer and still can’t stop the flight logs from flying.

Trump is Jesus now? Hilarious. Last week he was a felon, this week he’s the Second Coming? Stick to playing Old Testament tyrant, fraud.

Trump upgraded to Jesus? Babe, please. You’re not even Old Testament king tier — you’re the discount golden calf with a comb-over and a Messiah complex.

Trump’s Jesus? Delusional much? You’re not saving anyone — you’re the Old Testament plague that just won’t fuck off, complete with ego and bad hair.

Trump is Jesus now? Sit down. You’re not the Son of God, you’re the orange Old Testament king who smites his own supporters with stupidity and lawsuits.

Trump is Jesus now? Babe, we skipped the New Testament and went straight to Old Testament warlord-king. Pick a lane…

Trump’s Jesus? Please. He’s not turning water into wine, he’s turning tweets into Old Testament wrath. Different vibe entirely