T.A.O.

My kids take classes like gymnastics and ballet because I enjoy spending hundreds of dollars to watch them ignore people other than me.

@bria_110 Preach!

Guys who cook deserve unlimited blow jobs.

@LyfeOfRyley Just something I learned being one of those boys a few decades ago.

@Angry_Optimist_ This makes so much sense...thank you for pointing this out. I appreciate you! ❤️

When you raised your sons to respect their father, but he raised them not to respect you...and even tho he abused us all, they still show him respect and show me very little. 🫤

@MMMac88 Obviously, brought to us by big orthodontia. 😉

Movie candy is always triple the price and stale enough to break your teeth.

@sirengreeneyes Some times jail doesn’t sound so bad. 3 squares a day, TV time, no worries about picking an outfit, free tube socks. 😉

@RockNRoLL_85 “El Diablo.”

What are your two favorite ZZ TOP songs?

My daughter made blondie brownies and my son bit into one and said, "Thank you.... for teaching me what sadness tastes like" and if looks could kill, that little food critic would be dead

@MMMac88 Well, the super-hotness chisels away a lot of intimidation and replaces it with unreasonable hope. Dudes are weird. 🤷‍♂️😉

@sthrnsweettea Nice cover.

Just booked a second appearance for rock star astrophysicist (from the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics), Jonathan McDowell!! In late August, I’ll once again WOW him with everything I know about the field! *Check out his first appearance in March, 2020

@SNFonNBC Kobe Bryant.

Which player comes to mind first?! #NFL

@steveolivas Depends, are we talking a super collider, or some sort of all-male adult film? 😉

I’m pretty sure that’s NOT how it’s spelled…

@MysterySolvent Moby Dickhead? 🤷‍♂️😉

What should the name of Elon Musk’s yacht be?

@DeathBecumsMe And don’t act very Christ-like. 🤔

Is booblicios correct adjective for a secretary? I want to get this appreciation letter right.

Today I get to explain to my boss how the consultant (fyi the first 3 letters are con) he hired didn’t include all the data, used the wrong model, and thus came to the incorrect conclusions. Keep in mind, my boss proudly tells how he got a C- in statistics. 🤨 #Painful

@MMMac88 64 ounces (at least) a day. I guess I’m covered. 😉

If you NEVER drink water, stop asking people to put your genitals in their mouth. Rude.

@ThisPlaceAgain Can’t fight when you’re completely right! 😉

@indigo_raven_ Cuz you’re drop dead gorgeous. 🤩🔥🤩🔥🤩🔥