Danth Cobblebottom

My family always says they hope i settle down, but I think they just mean to stop yelling so much

International women’s day is a good day to reflect that women only get one day. While pancakes get an entire house.

Honest to god can you imagine the vitriol if I talked to my cat the way she talks to me

Low key would be hilarious if the president of Nicaragua won the election and played Miley Cyrus Party in the USA. He’d deserve at least a few high fives for that bit

@drewjanda IM AWARE ITS “FRANKENSTEINS MONSTER” YOU CAN JUST SAY “THE MONSTER” HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU KNOW WITH A MONSTER

My fans on Spotify are saying they can’t find my new hit song. Am I shadow banned? Lmk by going onto Spotify and searching “Felching My Love Back” and see if my song is in search or no. Ty!

They said Democracy is on the ballot today. But I couldn’t find the box to vote against it

@drewjanda Susan do b Anthony tho

“But if I was the one what would I do” -sum up my life’s philosophy using iambic pentameter ✅

@TheMcKenziest @WastednightsER @StreamOnMax Here. Here is the attention you are asking for by implying that this unfunny arrogant narcissist was saying anything other than hamas would kill her. I think you finally got what you wanted.

Hey @StreamOnMax we will literally be canceling our subscription unless you fire Bill Maher. Who the fuck thinks it okay for this old ass corrupt evil dipshit to talk about throwing a 26 year old Chappell Roan off of a roof for being anti-genocide?????

My favorite thing is doing two things at once. My second favorite thing is sex and you’re telling me I could be doing both of these things at once?

New rule: when I’m drunk I can send one friend one album

Not to be edgy. Not to give anybody their worst day at work. But I’m trying to roll a spliff at this party and the entire party is wops. Also I’m Italian so shut up.

I guess my female driven psychological pilot titled “spheres of tera” is dead now after this debate

I truly don’t need a standing ovation. I just feel like you’re gonna feel silly for not giving me one until the end of the play so…

“Look, if my cat is sick, and they hide it from me, it’s not my fault” -me, almost immediately, (hoping they see all these sexy comma. Commas)

My kink is after I pretend I say something off the cuff to tell everybody I actually wrote that joke last night

Madden25 is hilarious. You’re gonna run off 11 seconds if I call a hurry up, but if I just call a regular play it takes 6 seconds presnap… #maths #zirksee #muthead #maddenultimateteam

You know it’s good coffee if you can sleep on it

Who needs a hawk tua when you can have a honk shoo

@danghentschel This is the greatest troll of all time

We hired a 22 year old at work. Yes, she's hotter than my wife. But she's not my best friend. She doesn't make me laugh. She hasn't seen me at my worst, and decided she loves me anyway. So, I'll pass. Thanks.