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Had my family over tonight. Everyone sitting at the table, laughing, eating… normal shit. And I couldn’t do it. The sound of chewing, plates, people talking all at once, it felt like my brain was on fire. Like everything was turned up to 100 and I couldn’t escape it. I sat there trying to act normal but inside I was losing it. All I could think about was getting high just to make it stop. I got up, left the table, and went to Costco just to breathe. I was so close to breaking tonight. Closer than I’ve been in days. But I didn’t. This isn’t pretty. This isn’t some clean “I’m healing” moment. This is me barely holding it together and still choosing not to go back.

Day 4 sober. Woke up craving like crazy. The kind where your brain is already halfway out the door before you even get out of bed. Went to finish my half sleeve today. Last time I got tattooed I was high out of my mind and barely felt anything. Today I felt everything. Every line. Every shade. Every second of it. No escape. No numbing it out. Just me sitting there, feeling it all and not running. Still craving. Still uncomfortable. But I stayed strong. Learning what it actually feels like to be in my own body again.

@spanglesart Thank you for this! Much needed!

@DaybyDayDev I love the guided meditations on Youtube. Conscious Mind Jason Stephenson Michael Sealy Tansy Forrest It is so helpful

My brain keeps telling me exactly what to do right now. Smoke. Relax. Take something. Sleep. That used to be automatic. Now I’m just sitting here uncomfortable as hell, not knowing what to do with myself. Breaking a routine like this isn’t just hard… it feels like something’s missing from my life. Still not going back tonight. One day at a time!

@TMGOBLUE All my brain is telling me you need it but I don’t! I’m 3 days strong! Can’t wait to get my first 30 down! We got this one day at a time.

@DaybyDayDev Me too. Sitting here biting my lips and tapping my foot. Waiting to sleep it off. We got this!

sitting at dinner trying to act normal but inside I’m losing it shaking, sweating, can’t sit still brain just screaming at me to escape I literally had to get up and leave went straight to the shower and put headphones in just trying to not lose my mind this is what it actually feels like right now not some clean “recovery journey” just fighting myself every hour still didn’t use though

@DianeHardwick Just wanna give you a big congratulations on that huge milestone! 1980 is something to be proud of! I can’t wait to finally say I’m 1 month sober

@DaybyDayDev You just did the hardest part. Congratulations🩷 AA works. It has for me since 8/22/1980. Blessings

Went to my first AA meeting today. I was nervous as hell walking in. Didn’t know what to expect, didn’t know if I even belonged there. But sitting through it… hearing people speak… it hit me hard. I’m not the only one going through this. Not even close. I went with a friend who’s 23 months sober from drugs, alcohol, and gambling. That alone changed something in me. Seeing someone who was in the same darkness actually make it out… it made this feel real. Like this is actually possible. I’m still at the beginning. I’m still struggling. But for the first time in a while, I feel a bit of hope. One day at a time.

Just got out of an NA meeting. Went earlier today around noon and had to get this out while it’s still fresh. I’ve been to an AA meeting before, and it helped… but today hit different. Sitting in NA and hearing people talk about drugs the way I’ve lived it… it felt real. It felt like my story. I went with my boy who’s 23 months sober. Being around someone who’s been through it made me feel a little less lost today. I’m starting to be honest with myself—I’m a drug addict. Not easy to say, but it’s the truth. Still dealing with cravings. Still fighting my own head. But showing up made a difference. I’m making the choice to go every Tuesday and Thursday at noon for as long as I can. No excuses. I showed up today. I listened. And for once, I felt like I might actually belong here. If you’re going through it too—you’re not alone in this.

@LloydCh06965157 I appreciate the support Francis! No matter what! Stranger, close friend or even family! Knowing I’m not alone is what makes me feel comfortable with what I’m dealing with!

@DaybyDayDev Love hearing this. For whatever it’s worth coming from a stranger on the internet, shit gets wayyyyy better. Great job.

Night one done with no drugs, no pills, no weed. Didn’t sleep great. Mind was racing. Body felt off. But I got through it. Woke up this morning and the cravings hit hard—like a 7–8/10. That voice in my head is loud, telling me to go back, telling me one time won’t hurt. But I know where that road leads. I made a deal with myself that I’m done running. Done numbing everything. I want to feel my life again, even the uncomfortable parts. This isn’t easy. It’s messy and real and uncomfortable as hell. But I’m still here. Still fighting. Still choosing not to give in. One day at a time.