essential twerker

Get you a person that says things like “I paused it and waited for you to get back so we can watch this segment about vampire kids together”

Judge Judy? More like judge Who’s she? Is a joke I’d have made if I were a standup when Judge Judy debuted.

@smteague weekender travel bag, I’m on the PJs train and upgraded version of something they use too. Don’t sleep on nice gloves or sunglasses. Diff route: Maybe tickets to a show or event, or plan a day where they get to do all the things they like and none of the stuff they don’t.

What are cool man gifts that aren’t alcohol related?

@Itsjukjuk I love thinx, but my circumstance is that my periods are rarely super heavy anymore and I have never minded pads. Also they’re super thick as undies over all, they almost hold you in like spanx (much more flexible and comfy tho) so I often wear them w high waist jeans

maybe my favorite thing ever

Nice.

I just saw an ad for a jacket and the tag was “the jacket that you’ll wear over and over again” as if that’s not already what you do when you buy a fucking jacket????

@joshgondelman Billy Joel is the kind of landlord that charges a separate pet rent.

If Bruce Springsteen is The Boss, I feel like Billy Joel should be The Landlord.

Cards Against Humanity is donating 100% of their profits to the National Network of Abortion Funds if the order comes from a state restricting abortion access. If someone selects “I didn’t agree to this” an additional $5 donation is added to their cart. 😂

@taylorcotter Not with a bang, but with a hotel.

@sirbizlow Close but he’s not wearing chucks

this is my improv 101 teacher.

Do you flop around yelling “Thomas J can’t see without his glasses” when you misplace your specs or are you no fun?

Therapist: and where do you think this anxiety is coming from? Everyone woman in her 30s: the group chat.

If you don’t accept me at my at a G1 or G2 you don’t deserve me at my G6.

@annielkozak Buskerrrrrrrrrs’ last show

The Bear except it’s about a mid market improv team and it’s not about finding yourself, it’s about mutual destruction.

I would say I’ve been existing, but not ✨thriving✨ since they changed the fries at Burger King in the mid aughts and the McNuggets at McDonald’s in the early 2000s.

@annielkozak Big nose guys are elite

because most every character wants to kiss him!!!!! is he hot? not entirely. does he have raw sexual charisma? YEESSSSSSSS.

Today while eating I accidentally took off my glasses with my fork, so I guess I’m Mr. Bean now.