Jarrett Bellini

My social barometer for handshakes, fist bumps, and hugs has completely malfunctioned. Lately, every greeting and goodbye feels like the world’s stupidest game of Rock Paper Scissor. I can’t read the room anymore. Humans desperately need a software update for social cues.

"You sure about that?" - Mr. DeMille

“I want to thank Stephen Miller for writing me such a great speech. Where is he?” “In his office, sir. Autoerotic asphyxiating.”

@RubenGallego @POTUS Could’ve been an email.

Well at least @potus didn’t announce we are going to war in Venezuela, no clue what was the purpose of the speech. 🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️

@RubenGallego With a shot and a chaser. Yes.

I'm sorry but are y'all following this?

Well. That was something. OK, rest of the world, if you’ll look right here.

@TheRickWilson The one from Stephen Miller’s night stand.

They must have a shock collar on him, because he’s staying on prompter.

A hacking group is extorting Pornhub after stealing 200 million data records that include the viewing habits and search history from premium users. If the site fails to pay ransom, subscribers might be exposed for their most embarrassing secrets: That they actually pay for porn.

@AnnCoulter Soooooooo treat air travel like a Greyhound station?

I will never vote for another federal politician, who does not promise to abolish the TSA.

@PressSec "OK."

@ProjectLincoln "Sir, she's your chief of staff." "I would never let a native American in my administration." "That's not ... never mind."

How long before Trump says he never met her?

@EricTrump @worldlibertyfi You won't reply, but I'll ask anyway ... do you support what your dad wrote about Rob Reiner?

@SethAbramson "Did somebody say crickets? Yum!" - Stephen Miller

Crickets from Mike Johnson about the Trump post today. Crickets from Vance. Crickets from Rubio. Crickets from almost the whole MAGA establishment nationwide. All these supposed alphas, who any American with any cultural awareness at all sees as spineless, quivering jellyfish.

@MenInBlazers Enjoy your life of ruined weekends, kid. (Source: Spurs fan)

Start them young. There's nothing else like football ❤️

This would get literally anyone else fired from their job. * Assuming, of course, HR hadn't already instructed security to walk them out the door days ago for shouting, "Quiet, piggy" to a woman.

Wayne Gretzky's World Cup balls appear to be laced with Jim Beam.

I love that this FIFA Peace Prize moment is giving the entire world a moment to experience our everyday bizarro reality. Welcome, planet Earth. This is our lives.

Wearing that stupid FIFA Peace Prize medal like he just came in seventh at the elementary school track meet.

@henrywinter Hold your horses. We still need to hand out the corruption award.

Never mind the ballads, get on with the balls. #FIFAWorldCup

This FIFA Peace Prize is cringe on the highest level.