The Onion Time

Absolute bombshell. Data reveals someone made a massive 580 MILLION dollar trade on oil exactly 15 minutes BEFORE Donald Trump posted his tweet about pausing the Iran war. Someone on the inside just made a life changing fortune. The corruption is blatant.

We launched our Special Panel on child safety online. We are working with experts to create a strong European approach to protect young people. We will hold tech platforms responsible and explore harmonised age limits for social media in the EU ↓ link.europa.eu/cKjMRh

@BasilTheGreat If you only you would know who will be te next PM

🚨BREAKING: KEIR STARMER'S CHIEF OF STAFF MORGAN MCSWEENEY HAS RESIGNED They're all jumping ship It's over Starmer will resign next!

@nicksortor She will kill him and then only one who tells true*

🚨 BREAKING — IT’S OFFICIAL: Bill and Hillary Clinton will be testifying in front of Congress regarding Jeffrey Epstein on February 26th and 27th “Once it became clear that we would hold them in contempt, the Clintons completely caved and will appear for transcribed, filmed depositions this month,” House Oversight Chair @RepJamesComer said MAKE IT ALL PUBLIC! We the people deserve answers!

Hans Zimmer and Bleeding Fingers will compose the score for the ‘HARRY POTTER’ series Releasing in 2027 on HBO

@ClarksonsFarm1 Freedom

@Polymarket If Denmark is smart enough they will ask in gold, not in paper

JUST IN: Trump's offer to acquire Greenland is reportedly higher than the entire GDP of Denmark.

@Telegraph Where Christmas trees on the photos?

🔴 Christmas trees and tinsel have been dumped on Birmingham’s streets as the city’s bin strikes continue after almost 12 months. Read what residents have to say here ⬇️ telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/12/2…

I’m delighted that Alaa Abd El-Fattah is back in the UK and has been reunited with his loved ones, who must be feeling profound relief. I want to pay tribute to Alaa’s family, and to all those that have worked and campaigned for this moment. Alaa's case has been a top priority for my government since we came to office. I’m grateful to President Sisi for his decision to grant the pardon.

Happy Holidays from the whole team at STAR WARS: Galactic Racer™

#MerryChristmas and happy holidays, Canada!

The frost bites. ❄️ The fire warms. 🔥 Happy Holidays from the Vindictus: Defying Fate team. #VindictusDefyingFate #VDF

The holiday season is a time to rest, reconnect, and celebrate with the people that you love the most. Prime Minister Carney wishes everyone a #MerryChristmas: ow.ly/gmen50XO1Mg

From all of us at Pearl Abyss, we wish you warmth and joy this holiday season ❤️ And as we head into the new year, we can't wait to share more about Crimson Desert with you, so stay tuned and we'll see you in 2026! #CrimsonDesert #HappyHolidays #HappyNewYear

Happy Holidays from the U.S. Consulate General in Erbil!

🎄 Happy Holidays Wishing you a wonderful holiday season. #KojimaProductions

Happy holidays from Kennedy Space Center! 🎄🎅🚀 go.nasa.gov/3LhcLXC

Holiday greetings from the team! ❄️🥹 We wish you a happy winter break. Gather with your loved ones, feast together and don't forget to not let your dog wander into the woods 🙏

🎁 HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! 🎅🎄

Helldivers, as the year comes to a close, High Command extends its warmest holiday wishes. As a reward for your loyalty, you have been granted one whole minute of additional leisure time to reflect on 2185 and set your Super Resolutions for 2186. Use it wisely.