Slow_pox

@jessesingal He was Jack Handy. He's always been funny.

whoa kevin nealon is really good at twitter

WHO PAINTED THAT WORD ON HER LOCKER!?

@SaltyCracker9 Which one is Joe Dirt?

He’s tweeting about being worried about being nuked from a movie premiere. These podcast bros are the new gay Hollywood.

@RazorFist Growing up, these were for sale at Target. Had a fat stack of them. Totally Gross Jokes, Truly Tasteless Jokes, Completely Offensive Jokes, Absolutely Racist Jokes. And more.

Keep your money, SPLC. Some of us tell racist jokes for the love of the game.

@BigDickBarclay One apprentice blew his leg apart playing with a sawed-off shotgun, a week before Christmas. He had 8 kids. While in surgery, his buddies robbed his house and burned it down.

One of my installers almost cut his leg off dude I have a photo, but it’s really gnarly and I don’t know if you guys want to see it

@SirBylHolte You forgot Batwoman.

LET'S SEE: They made "Star Trek" for women, black people and gay people: CANCELLED. They made "Doctor Who" for gay people, black people and black gay people: CANCELLED. They made Star Wars for women, gay women and black women: CANCELLED OR FLOPPED. They turned “Captain America” black: FLOPPED. They made “Snow White” for Latina feminists: FLOPPED. They made “The Little Mermaid” black: FLOPPED. They made “Ironheart” for black girls: FLOPPED and CANCELLED. They made “Wonder Man” for black people: FLOPPED. They're making Helen of Troy black: BACKLASH INCOMING. They made Snape black: MASSIVE COMEDY BACKLASH INCOMING! Will they ever get the message?

@MyHaploidHeart @LemmySmackett Reminded me of Dante and Randall from Clerks.

@LemmySmackett This reads like a Kids in the Hall sketch (very positive)

"Pft. Dude, check out this online poll." "Hm?" "If you had to be haunted, is it better or worse if the ghost is attractive?" "Eh." "It's obviously better. Like what kind of moron would answer—" "Worse." "Huh." "It is objectively worse to be haunted by an attractive ghost." "Really." "It happened to my Uncle Dale." "Your Uncle Dale was haunted." "Hot Girl Haunted." "Come on." "By a drop-dead gorgeous 18-year-old prom queen who dropped dead in his arms." "What?" "She ran out into the street and ate the front grill of his Chevy Silverado at 60 MPH." "Holy shit." "Yeah." "Why'd she do that?" "Well, it wasn't on purpose. She was blinded by the tears in her eyes." "Dude." "Her high school sweetheart, the prom king, was going off to college after graduation, and he decided the King and Queen Dance was the right time to break the news." "Damn." "She literally ran sobbing out of the auditorium, straight into her untimely chrome-plated demise." "Sic Semper Tyrannis, bro." "Yeah. She was in the running to be Miss Mississippi." "What a dick." "After the police took his statement, they let my uncle go home and he woke up around 3 am that very night to discover her ethereal, diaphonous silhouette wandering the halls of his double-wide in search of her one true love." "Okay so like, yeah, that sucks. But at least he wasn't being haunted by the Nun. Or that freaky puppet from Poltergeist." "That was his attitude too, at first. Who complains about having a pretty girl around?" "Right?" "Even if she is dead." "Beggars and choosers, bro. I've had girlfriends in bed who could flatline an EKG." "But problems quickly arose." "Like what? "Well, for one: having a nubile intangible nymph wandering around your home in a flowing see-through shroud can be a little, uh, agitating." "Ah. You're saying the gauzy buxom beauty was giving him ghostly blue balls." "Right." "He didn't—" "No, no. It wouldn't be right." "Yeah." "He killed her after all." "I was gonna say." "But the hard part was convincing the barflies." "Barflies?" "My uncle is kind of the lothario of his local dive scene." "Ah." "There's no three-toothed saloon slattern he can't two-step his way into a one-night stand." "Huh. Who knew trolling for trollop was so numeric?" "He always says it's a numbers game. But when you're trying to bag busted biddy baddies, the last thing you need is a pallid supple siren moaning in eternal lamentation." "I'm seeing the problem now." "Hell, one grizzled guttersnipe accused my uncle of being a Drake-style necrophile." "Yeesh." "You know what my uncle said?" "What?" "Don't worry. She's dead, but she's of age." "Oof. And how'd that go over?" "About as well as the prom queen." "Yeah, you gotta save stuff like that for the third date." "Needles to say, my uncle's love life experienced its own undeath for a few years—" "I bet." "—until he met a librarian who was Hot Guy Haunted." "Hot Guy Haunted?" "She accidentally knocked over an unanchored steel bookshelf with a pushcart and crushed a Clavicular impersonator to death." "Clavicular? The guy who got a cortisol spike because he got framemogged by the ASU frat leader while jestergooning?" "The one and the same." "Huh. I didn't know he had impersonators." "Anyway, they decided as two haunted people in a desolate, forsaken world that they should just settle for what they had and try to make it work." "Like most people who find love in middle age." "But what they didn't expect is that their looksmaxxed apparitions fell in love with each other immediately and eloped to High Tier Heaven." "High Tier Heaven?" "It's the endless Elysian fields for the Eloi, where the Truest Chads and Stacys ascend to rule forever in courtly celestial splendor." "Oh. Uh, so it's a happy ending then." "Well..." "Did your uncle and the librarian stay together?" "Nope. They broke up the next day without saying a word." "What? Why?" "Well, they both realized what it meant." "Huh?" "As two earthbound uggos, they just got ghosted by their Giga-tier ghosts and, haunted by this lingering morlockian shame, they ghosted each other." --- [g][title: Hot Girl Haunted]

@BookProWrestler A poem. By Heidenreich.

Life comes at you fast. Former WWE Tag Team Champion John Heidenreich now working at Walmart — and still putting coworkers in headlocks.

@noCinErik Knew a guy who kept a big bowl of pennies in the freezer. He'd just walk in, pull the cover back and dump the whole bowl in the bed. Then just scraped them back into the bowl after his kid jumped up.

My 15 year old drives me crazy. He is awful at waking up to his a alarms, and it's at the point where if he isn't ready in time he can walk. He's finally figured out a solution, an AI alarm. Initially, I thought this was pretty lame. It's not. The AI makes him complete a task like a math problem, scan an object with his camera, answer basic questions, etc until it will turn off. It's pretty funny actually. This morning he had to take a picture of his foot before the alarm would turn off.

@0hour1 She might be taller if she lays down.

Olivia Juliana has had it she will meet ICE on the battlefield right after she stops at Arbys.

@THErealDVORAK Hag flag.

Toxoplasmosis

@SaltyCracker9 @KyleSeraphin It's a cumbrella.

@KyleSeraphin I would take first aid advice from a dude with butthole broom mustache.

PRO TIP from a former medic: Don't screw with federal agents while they are detaining and arrested illegal aliens, and you won't get shot.

@leamaric I like you, Stuart. You're not like the other people here in the trailer park.

Having the best day ever with my burrowing owl

@RobertDinTulsa Good work!

Tulsa City Booking Photos - Mostly WHITE Tulsa County Booking Photos - Mostly WHITE - Batch #521 The Tulsa Police started scrubbing the photos from all of their bookings midday on 9/9/2024 after they found out that I was exposing their skewing crimes primarily against WHITES. Guess what? They restarted that process on the evening of 1/4/2026. Fun shit, huh? Tulsa County Booking Photos - Mostly WHITE posts in descending order → x.com/search?q=%22Tu…

@SaltyCracker9 Why isn't Maduro getting marched around like this?

Maduro SALT ReeEStream 01-04-26 x.com/i/broadcasts/1…

@TPV_John Why's he not getting this treatment?

Look at this picture of Maduro with thumbs up, smiling, front-cuffed while supposedly in US custody, and tell me with a straight face this isn’t some MASSIVE Masonic THEATER PSYOP… It appears we are being PLAYED, AGAIN.

@ImBreckWorsham There is no "justice", just Law.

Not a single one of Epstein's clients has been arrested for sex trafficking children, but if a single Mom working two jobs just to survive cheats on her taxes she's locked up, bank accounts seized and wages garnished because that's what the government considers "justice." FUCK. THIS. GOVERNMENT.

@uncledoomer Your moist nightmare.

one of the dumbest things about normiecattle millenials is that sometime in the 2010s they all collectively decided to pretend to hate the word "moist"

@KampeOU Warning: I have witnessed an allergic reaction to talc from a balloon party. A rash, eyes swollen closed, respiratory issues. Thankful we had Benadryl handy.

As a guys who’s spent his life coaching and trying to mentor young men from 18-23 this is an awesome lesson. I hope I have been able to get this across to my boys

Well that’s not gonna help