nik.

Every time I purchase a targeted ad I feel like I’ve lost on some level

@QueBeTheGee At least one of the trips is in your backyard 😅 see you there man!

When one of your best friends and your big bro decide to have a bachelor party and get married a week apart from each other 🙃 My bank account is crying!!!

glad united lost to a spanish club so i don’t have a bunch of city or chelsea joy boys in my mentions chatting shit

Once thanksgiving is over it’s like I’ve put in my 2 weeks notice for the rest of the year

Memo Ochoa: "Mexico is the mirror in which the United States wants to see itself" Christian Pulisic:

Apologies in advance to my neighbors for playing CLB on my soundbar for the next 72 hours straight

Asking for any and all book recommendations, please send them my way. Got a surplus of audible credits to burn 😅

*realizes I’m falling off parent’s insurance in two months *frantically schedules all the check ups and appointments posisble

Happy 40th birthday, McLovin.

5 years ago, I quit my job at Applebee's to do comedy. Today, I just started working at that same exact Applebee's. Shit didn't really work out for me

Thoughts while driving through the west: why does Utah have so many Arbys

Bale really used Tottenham for training 😂😂😂

Jack and Diane but all of the lyrics are “suckin’ on a chili dog”

“This could’ve been an email”

Joe Biden is the first actor from Parks and Recreation to become the President of the United States.

I’ve seen better entrance security at frat parties than the capitol building