Tom Martin

@lisapease Got it.

My book is in the top 40,000 of Audible books (via Amazon):

@chaddenick I felt like it needed more asbestos.

Anyone else have weird side effects after getting the Lockheed Martin vaccine?

@lisapease I’ll watch your unused share of boxing. I love it! Plus, bicycle riding has way more traumatic brain injuries than boxing.

I hate boxing. The goal is literally to make the other guy unconscious. That's horrific. And people cheer for it.

@dangreaney @scullymike @dailysimpsons @eltonofficial To be fair, it’s not not Dan Greaney. opednews.com/author/author7…

#OnThisDay February 14, 1999, "I'm with Cupid" (S10E14) first aired on the Fox network. Dir: Bob Anderson. Wr: @dangreaney. EP: @scullymike. Guest-starring @eltonofficial as himself and Jan Hooks as Manjula. #TheSimpsons #ValentinesDay

World: “Hey, do you hate homework?” Me: “More than anything.” . . . Me: *becomes a writer and has homework every day.* Me: “This is right. I deserve this.”

Every restaurant table in Los Angels wobbles.

@BobGrebe 1986

When was the last time you used traveler's checks?

The new ep of #BadScience is out and we’re gettin’ PSYCHO with @TomMartinLA and neuroscientist Dr. Dean Mobbs. Listen now: bit.ly/2COjxPT

@BMartin_Retail I knew it!

I have status... so no.

@BMartin_Retail Does a parachute count as a carry-on?

Flying tomorrow. Wish me luck.

@shivers333 In high school I bought that 1969 Plymouth Sport Satellite Wagon for $100. A week later a school bus hit it. A month later a tiny Honda plowed into it. It kept running.

@TomMartinLA That can't possibly be the same station wagon we had as kids, can it? I know we had a wood-paneled station wagon at some point, but don't recall it being so crappy. Plus I'm not one to look back on childhood w/fondness or nostalgia. Mostly I remember it in therapy.🤡

Has anyone ever made a sale at a Christmas craft fair?

@BobGrebe @BlakeWexler You’re the funniest guy I know who only suffered one childhood concussion.

@TomMartinLA @BlakeWexler I was hit in the back of the head with a thrown baseball bat at age 8. Knocked me out. I hate that I missed out on the other concussion opportunities

"I just purchased a season-pass to the heavy petting zoo. (pause for laugh) It gives new meaning to 'being on the lamb'." -- @TomMartinLA @BlakeWexler does this qualify as a writing sample to be a Hollywood comedy writer? Or blue-collar comedy tour writer? Asking for me

@ninjawhenever @barelysarcasm There was only one set of footprints, James, because during the difficult part of the journey, the Uber driver was carrying... you.

@TomMartinLA @barelysarcasm Wait, Jesus was driving? I thought he was strictly a co-pilot.

Just left my first “bad” Uber review. I don’t want my driver to make sexist jokes about women driving nor do i want him to pitch me “Christian Movies”. Or any movies. I am very busy with my actual jobs. I don’t need pitches featuring Kirk Cameron.

@Quincemiser I don’t really know. I mostly write poetry and science papers.

@CoolDrMoney What if every third like ruins your day?

Would you say “England IS a bunch of fakers” or “England ARE a bunch of fakers”? #WorldCup

@Ibran_dabada55 A terrible injustice from some cowards at Viacom.

@TomMartinLA what the Fuck Happen to Clone High Man.