TrumpDBA

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In order to make Data great and glorious again, I am announcing I completed the online application process to get my job back.

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT! After many years of working with data, radical developers will become AI-curious. This must be stopped!

After months of not returning my texts, suddenly my former coworkers want to speak to me again?

Most DBAs struggle with getting restores done, especially for large databases. But it's always been easy for me, I just have to think about it and its done.

As a DBA, some say the best DBA ever, really, I know better than anyone how easy it is to have data stolen from a database. That's why I keep the important stuff on paper, and place it where people aren't likely to look. SECURITY BY OBSCURITY!

The data was classified, and possibly there were some nuclear codes and stuff, but it’s not like I stole PII data or violated the GDPR because I’m a professional.

She changed her code a couple of days ago, and with it, her database performance totally changed. SHOCKER???

"’m the f’n DBA, take me to the data center!"

The dev is going into the database, storing JSON inside of XML. You gotta say, that’s pretty savvy. How smart is that?

DataOps is a complete disaster. Nobody can be this stupid. BAD!

New guy ran away during a production issue instead of following the plan I had left for him to follow. A plan that protected our data AND our code! The devs no longer have fear or respect for the DBA.

Good news! I can simply be reinstated as your DBA, and this will happen!

The dev team has, for whatever reason, also refused to produce the network routers. You want me to tune your query? Well, we want the routers, Sonny.

Do you miss me?

#Eurovision voting is a fraud on the American public. This is an embarrassment to our country. We were getting ready to win this competition. Frankly, we did win this competition.

The entire database has been DELETED! This is illegal! At some point it will be impossible to recover!

Look, I’m not here to tell you how to do things right, I’m here to tell you all the ways you did it wrong.

Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls and databases are made from Mexicans. I love Modern_Spanish_CI_AS.

Any DBA turned developer is a stone cold loser.

After you reboot the server, run some queries to load your biggest tables into cache, making response times GREAT AGAIN for your customers!