Walking Outside in Slippers

That's cute the way you spell "bragging" as "blessed".

I just told my daughter "I'm feeling really bitchy. I'm going to go upstairs for a few." This having older kids thing honestly kinda slaps.

@1iota Please approve my friend Emily and me as seat fillers for the iHeartRadio awards! We really want to go and haven't been to anything in quite some time. We will sing your praises! 😎😎🥂🎶

It's wild they're just out here selling these ballsacks. 🫣

One way to keep things hot in your 40s is to wake up in the middle of the night, roll over to your husband and remind him to take the trash out to the curb.

I really wish people would ask for permission before taking my photo. 🍀😩💀

We all have our little treat. 🍨🪂

Me when I realize the Wordle answer was the word cruel in this week we're having.

My 10-year-old daughter just informed me that 6-7 ended with 2025. Pass it along.

Don't say I'm not doing anything this holiday break, because I've definitely been trying to solve a number of murders nowhere near me with no credentials by scrolling on my phone.

Make sure to use this emoji 🍗 instead of this one 🦃 when wishing people a Happy Thanksgiving just to add a little spice.

Things could be worse this November. You could be a turkey.

I used to think the X Games was what daredevils did, and now I just think adults who drink cow's milk are daredevils.

True crime shows and podcasts being your security blanket is totally healthy, right? 😬💤

Water torture but it's just a mom sitting by a crowded pool while a million kids yell "Mom!" and all sound exactly the same.

Helen’s blouse tag was visible at church today (XL) so l have no idea what Jesus had to say.

Me: That is so rad. My tween: That's not a word.

I spend more time in my 40s fantasizing about flossing my teeth than I would have imagined.

It was a fine and dandy day until she said "hey there" as a passing colleague in the hall uttered the exact words back to her at the precise same time.

I misspelled type in an email as typo and sent it. Please visit my star in the writing hall of shame.

Me to my cat every day: "Hello, madame! How are you?" *Cat turns and runs* "Stinky butt!"