Waynecro

The downside of being sober and health conscious is that it’s difficult to drown your sorrows in lean protein and cruciferous vegetables.

Woman: Why do you have glitter on your face? Have you been at a strip club or something? Guy: No. I've been eating flamboyant boutique confections in my car again. Woman: I guess I should be relieved. Guy: There are flecks of edible gold leaf all over my infotainment system.

RIP in Peace Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp 2017 - 2024

Recruiter: What would you say is your greatest strength? Guy: I can deadlift 500 pounds. Recruiter: Cute. At least one candidate makes that same joke every time we hire. Guy: All those guys probably pull sumo, though.

Guy 1: I watched Death Note for the first time since 2007. It seems pretty unbelievable now. Guy 2: Because of the Shinigami? Guy 1: No, because recent events proved that society doesn’t suspect foul play when bizarre heart attacks suddenly start killing tons of healthy people.

@braintreestudio Is your label hiring an editor? I'm noticing some typos, bro.

Give this album a listen: Whose Wierd Now? open.spotify.com/album/52BqFe4L… #weird #whoseweirdnow #politics #democrats #Propaganda #SunoAI #aimusic

In the present DEI-obsessed corporate world, subtly suggesting that you’re not a straight white male during a job interview is the new version of sliding the hiring manager $100 under your resume.

Lady: Would you rather be stuck in the woods with a woman or a bear? Guy: A bear. Lady: What? That’s terrible! Why? Guy: Because I'm suicidal. Lady: Oh, thank goodness. For a second there, I thought you were a misogynist.

Guy: How are you doing now that you’re home with your new baby? Lady: My twiffer is ripped to shreds, my nipples are chewed up, and I'm exhausted. Guy: You reported a similar condition when you were trying to conceive. That’s kind of funny. Lady: Shut the fuck up.

Guy 1: How was your weekend?  Guy 2: I fucked up my back in the gym and had to start walking with a cane. I tripped and kicked the cane, which broke my little toe.  Guy 1: That sucks!  Guy 2: At least I got out of mowing the backyard.

Recruiter: Why do you want to work for us? Me: I’m tired of washing my hair with bar soap. Recruiter: All you care about is money? Me: If you want a flowery answer, ask me again when I’m not about to do $16-per-hour manual labor 20 years into my career so I can keep my house.

Someone needs to make a God of War mod in which Kratos is Artie, the Strongest Man in the World, and Atreus is Little Pete.

Guy 1: You're a prude. Guy 2: I'm really not. Guy 1: You thought Aerosmith’s "Pink" was about the actual color pink until you were, like, 25. Guy 2: Honest oversight. Steven Tyler’s a garish guy. Guy 1: Bro, there’s a cat on the cover of Nine Lives. Guy 2: What’s your point?

Guy 1: I’m going to lose weight. What’s your New Year’s resolution? Guy 2: To survive. Guy 1: You say that every year. Guy 2: And you say you’ll lose weight every year. At least one of us is keeping his resolution, you doughy bastard. Guy 1: I am so full of eggnog right now.

Guy: Roughly 47% of the text in your job post was about inclusivity, so include me by hiring me. Recruiter: That’s not really what the post meant. Guy: Then it didn’t convey the intended message—proof that you need a skilled writer like me. Recruiter: Stop grinning like that.

Lady: Aren’t you worried about everything happening in the world? Guy: I have my own shit going on. Lady: Such as? Guy: There’s a big-ass spider hanging outside my front door. Lady: That’s scarier than WW3? Guy: The spider is so big that I initially thought it was a hummingbird.

Guy 1: Walking to my car after the concert, I received a rejection email from a job I applied for. It was a real buzzkill. Guy 2: That sucks. But maybe it’s a good thing that you won’t be working for a company that sends rejections to applicants at 11:00 p.m. on Saturday night.