black pepper cracker

Hey man I can’t help but feel a little unsafe being placed inside this giant blender with strawberries, a banana, a splash of almond milk and a whole bunch of ice cubes?

Pioneering the “Irish Hello” where I turn up unannounced to a friend’s location

@chatpileroan Textbook Monday night

Bedsheets washed, dried, and ironed. Everything shower done. Silk pyjamas on. Watch Mojo Family Guy funniest moments compilation superimposed over a 2x speed Temple Run video at maximum volume. This is living.

It’s like none of you listened to stranger danger

If anyone wants to stroke me on the head and hand feed me chocolate buttons hit my line

When I’m hungover I treat myself like a dog that’s about to be put down

Guy who has only ever seen one fat guy with tattoos: bro you really remind me of Matty Matheson

My body is a machine that turns negronis into yearning

I could drop 80kg tomorrow and I’d still be the fattest lad this side of the mason dixon line

Nobody will ever ride out for you harder than an unc you’ve ingratiated yourself to

I’m in pubs in York you’ve never been to admiring startled orangutans in tinseled viking helmets you wish you’d conceived of

It’s so important to imbibe before getting the train

Just learnt that LNER does a class brew and a seminally good chicken and stuffing sandwich

@chatpileroan is currently reading me her tweets like a man showing off his camera roll

I did mushrooms an all I got was a burning desire to make pomme aligote

I’m in Hebdon Bridge ready to send some incredibly risky texts

What the hell is my fat ass doing in Stoke on Trent

I’m on French twitter beefing with line cooks from Alsace Lorraine

2031 and the goat debate is still raging because “Messi Son of Rosario” grossed $38,000,000 more at the box office than “CR7 The Ronaldo Story”

How long do you reckon we’ve got before they start making football biopic films?