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These tweets are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman. short.bdsmgalls.net/ashley

fw2.bdsmgalls.net/tessa It could be the wine talking, but I used to be grapes.

"Pardon me miss, but would you mind moving out of the way?" --Polite Ludacris go.bdsmgalls.net/ivy

If you say "people either love me or hate me" it's a pretty safe bet that most of them hate you. go.bdsmgalls.net/dennis

go.bdsmgalls.net/alfredo Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

go.bdsmgalls.net/dustin Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I'm wearing these shoes for the rest of my life. go.bdsmgalls.net/reginald

your grandma has a pic of you in her house when you were in junior high and not at any other age go.bdsmgalls.net/lilia

The loop of Internet sites we repetitively check up on while procrastinating is worse than crack. go.bdsmgalls.net/nichole

Nutella is made with hazelnuts, milk, real cocoa and pure evil. go.bdsmgalls.net/derrick

go.bdsmgalls.net/marietta OK I just checked and cracked iPad screens are NOT covered under the health care reform bill, WTF?

go.bdsmgalls.net/leanna I'm worried about DeNiro's mole.

In Hidden Valley, childhood obesity is covered up in creamy ranch dressing. tinyurl.bdsmgalls.net/angelique

If you have more than zero bumper stickers on your car you have too many. tinyurl.bdsmgalls.net/leanne

Ceilings were just ambitious walls. tinyurl.bdsmgalls.net/mabel

Do hipster chicks wear sweatpants that say "DRY" on the butt? googl.adultgalls.com/minnie

bitly.xaijo.com/john How can we know atheism exists? Where's the evidence?

No matter how many times I call the hospital to complain, they won't recall my baby. shorturl.xaijo.com/elizabeth

tinyurl.bdsmgalls.net/connie Ceilings were just ambitious walls.