orange shirt guy

Me:[forgetting the word for water] do you have any pee fuel

I found $5 in a hotel couch. proof that the economy is healing

This might sound controversial but I'm having a glass of milk

Etsy accidentally sent me a penis statue and I’m wondering if I could convert it into a peppermill.

We're both adults. Let's skip the first date and get to the part where you try and stab me.

@careerwidow 😳😳😳

They keep pronouncing Putin like French Canadians pronounce poutine and this is confusing my brain's primary salivary centres in the medulla oblongata.

@RdrJay47 My phone got a notification for this tweet😏

I used to stay in to save money but now I’ve gotta go out so I don’t order food and weed all day.

my farmville crops rn

@_little_old_me Thank you. Anything helps 🥰

@awkwardphilippe I just dangle my nipples over the qwerty for a few seconds & then press send. Would work for man nips too, imo.

Should I start tweeting again? I don't know if I have what it takes

Anyone else get offended when someone refers to you as a pet owner? Like, wtf? I don't own them. They're members of my family, you insensitive fuck.

@_little_old_me I don't remember how or what process is involved. 😳

@awkwardphilippe YESSSSSS

@UsfZia Thank you 🥰

I've been following people here randomly for no reason at all tbh

Canadians are so careless with their money

I’ve accidentally sent my mum picture of my boobs so I followed it up with medical questions and booked a mammogram

Plot twist: Leaves everything but takes the kitchen sink...

Grand Theft Auto 5 is bullshit. I was in a taco truck and it told me I couldn’t pick up a woman with it.

[at a club] DJ: WHO WANTS SOME MEGADETH *crowd cheers* ME: (from the back) just a regular death is fine thank you