Celso Piazzi

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"For God's sake Laura, send this dog away"

amazon: your order has been placed me: great thanks amazon: your order is being prepared me: cool amazon: your order is being put in the truck me: it's ok i don't need an update on every step amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you like me Cop: omg shut up I do not

[first date] Me: that is hilarious Date: ... Me: wait, bread or dead? Date: how would my parents be bread?

[commercial for stones] are you tired of killing 2 birds with your bare fuckin hands

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good

[first day as a pilot] control tower: what are your coordinates me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion control tower: can you be more specific me: simba

@Pontifex It’s crazy that Pope Leo, speaking about the message of the Gospel, calling for peace and denouncing violence, injustice and lies, got some people foaming at their mouths.

Apple Watches are just Tomagotchi’s except the stupid animal you’re trying to keep alive is yourself

SpongeBob & Patrick

Maturing is letting the spider stay in the ceiling corner of your room

The number of people who confuse “to” and “too” is two high.

your secret is safe with me i don’t know what the hell you’re even talking about

@GamewithDave Need for Speed Underground

What game is this?

#TocaManeva pra deixar o domingo numa nice! Obrigado, @kelveincorrea, pela linda versão de “Seja Para Mim”. E você, qual música do Maneva sabe tocar no violão? Posta pra gente ver!

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill? Me: I don't have Netflix Her: It means sex Me: Oh right no I don't have that either

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Seus nomes são muito loko porque Duda parece o apelido de uma garota de 12 anos que ganha dos moleques no futebol e Maria Eduarda Peçanha uma neurocirurgiã respeitada internacionalmente.