Simon Goetz

If shortening sentences is wrong, I don't want to be.

Working out isn’t.

Everything is an allusion.

When you date people who aren’t funny, the joke’s on you.

You want a girl who’s magical, then act surprised when she’s a witch.

Humpty Dumpty's girlfriend thinks she can fix him.

Knife collecting: using a knife to open a box that contains a knife.

Dogs have two reasons to like meatballs.

Jesus schlepped

Suspect that your therapist is a vampire? Act sunny.

Google Maps needs a sleep timer

Triplet should be three syllables.

If you kiss someone and get mono, just kiss them again to make it stereo.

Can vampires drink sun tea?

@chadjaggers Thank you, Chad. I’ve missed the outlet.

@crusher I’m glad to you back on the Twitters.

May your love life have more squealing and banging than an old, rusty radiator that’s heating a 6th-floor walk-up in the Lower East Side.

Not sure if your boyfriend is a spider? Count his legs.

Really cool to see so many cities replacing pigeons with bats.