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Today I reveal a secret which almost killed me. I've been badly addicted to Codeine for three years. I worked so hard to keep it secret from everyone. Today I leave hospital after 7 weeks and I'm Codeine free! This addiction has cost me so much and hurt those closest to me.
I started to use Nurofen Plus to treat back pain. After a month I realised I couldn't stop. This started a continuous cycle of trying to lower the amount I took and then returning to higher amounts. It resulted it me taking 3 packs per day! That's 72 tablets every day in one go.
I kept on taking them even as I got sicker and sicker. To a point where my ulcers got so bad that I was bleeding out from the inside. Everyone who saw me said I looked sick but I always brushed this off saying I'm grand.
I had to get a blood transfusion and scopes to see the extent of the damage. It took 3 pints of blood to get me back to a level that I wasn't in immediate danger. My hemagloban level was so low they didn't know how I was walking. My iron level was at 0. The doctor told me I was very lucky to have not suffered a heart attack or stroke.
The guilt of knowing I nearly left my two young kids to face life without a Dad will take a long time to get over. Even after all this, months later I was back on Nurofen Plus. Not as bad as previous but I was starting to get sick again and it was following the same pattern as before.
By chance my secret came out. It caused immense hurt to those closest to me. The fact I kept it hidden for so long even with me nearly dying. I wasn't the person I used to be. I was so full of Codeine it effected every part of my life.
To keep this a secret took up so much of my time. Buying them, hiding them & taking them. The constant stress of being found out. The money it cost! The time it took away from work and most importantly my family.
I just wish I could turn back time and come clean about my addiction years ago. It would have saved so much hurt.
Thankfully I got a bed in St Patrick's Hospital Dublin. It took 6 weeks to taper down the Codeine while I was here. I recieved 24/7 support. I went through really difficult withdrawals. It's not just the medical side, I had multiple weekly visits for one on one with an addiction counsellor. And group therapy with others in addiction. Plus many other classes and lectures.
Without inpatient care I'd still be on Codeine. I've struggled these past weeks but was helped all the way. I wrongly thought I could do this alone. I should have been here two years ago! I now start the Step Down program set by the hospital and join support groups like NA and Smart Recovery. There is still plenty of work ahead of me to ensure there is no relapse.
Why am I putting this out in the public? Because I worked so so hard to keep it secret from everyone. I was ashamed of it. I would have done anything to keep it secret. But this was so wrong. If I'd been open about it earlier it would have been much easier to manage.
I also know so many others are in similar positions. I visited thousands of pharmacies during my addiction. Every 2nd person was buying Nurofen Plus or Solpadeine. In the over two thousand visits to the pharmacy I was only ever refused a pack once. I was always told the warnings but never refused.
I don't blame the pharmacies. It was my fault to have become addicted. But I do wonder why Ireland is one of the only countries in the world where Codeine can purchased over the counter. I've seen with my own eyes the amount which is purchased.
So that's my secret. I'm glad it's out there. Thank you for taking the time to read it. If you feel you are in a similar position with Codeine or Opiates please get in touch. I'd be delighted to point you in the right direction or answer any questions in confidence.
This addiction has cost me so much in every part of my life. I start the rebuild today as I leave hospital. I'm so sorry to those I hurt. I will work my hardest to rebuild the trust I have lost.
Mark.
English
