fundy

My wife has this app on her phone that notifies her the second I’ve finished checking out at the grocery store... ... so she can text and ask me to pick up one more thing... ... apparently.

I received an email through my website’s contact form from a teenager that said: “I found your wallet.” Attached was a photo of my Prada wallet with my driver’s license, debit card, and credit cards inside. She wrote, “Please call me so I can get it back to you.” The crazy part? I didn’t even know it was lost. She had found it in the parking lot of a strip mall where I get my nails done. When I called her, she said she’d been worried for hours because she knew that when I realized it was gone I would be “frantic.” I then spoke to her mom, who sent me their address. I drove about 30 minutes to their house to get it. When I got there I was so overwhelmed by her kindness that I cried. Her mom was standing on the front porch beaming and said, “I’m doing my best to teach my kids that doing the right thing matters.” I handed her a $100 bill. She smiled huge and thanked me. I told her the only person who deserved thanks was her. I mentioned the wallet was designer because a lot of 16-year-olds would have kept it. It was expensive. She didn’t. A lot of people would have used the credit cards inside. She didn’t. Instead, she spent hours worried about how I would feel when I realized it was gone. Friends, please know that good and honest humans absolutely exist. And when you’re faced with a decision, ask yourself, “What would I hope a stranger would do if the situation were reversed?”

My husband went to the liquor store and when he came back he promptly poured me a glass of a new wine I’ve never had. I said, “This is delicious. Did you get more than one bottle?” Husband, with the most serious voice ever, “I got 4.” That should do it.

@MattMackowiak @Parkerlawyer Oh, I had my laptop.

@Parkerlawyer My wife just said: 1) you would do that 2) you would bring your laptop to work through it (laughing)

I texted my husband at 10am that I received bad news about my father’s health and within 15 mins he was at my office, had already called my assistant to clear my calendar (before I could even walk to her office) and put me in the car to go to the hospital. He sat with me for 8 hours in an uncomfortable chair, he lost his entire work day including a court appearance, made sure my mom and I stayed hydrated (important), asked questions to doctors that I couldn’t think of, and never once complained. I am sure there are millions of partners who have done the same in a loved one’s time of need but in my line of work it is easy to forget what love truly looks like. If they want to they will.

I crafted a beautiful parlay that would have paid over 9k if hit. My husband looked it over and said, “That bet on Arch Manning as first to score TD is too risky. I would change that.” So I switched to Germie Bernard for 67+ yds. Arch scored the 1st TD. Germie got 62 yds.

@Parkerlawyer Please notice her use of plurals.

My husband asked me not to embarrass him at this annual family law conference. He is, of course, referring to my taking-free-stuff-from-vendor-tables addiction. Listen, if they didn’t want you to take their free pens, cups, and bags they wouldn’t have free pens, cups, and bags!

@Built_By_David @Parkerlawyer My answers are: 12, The Himalayas, McLaren Racing, and blue.

@Parkerlawyer I could ask several questions your honor

I was eating a chicken tender and I told my husband, “This is the most delicious chicken, taste it.” He took it from me and pinched off the part where I had bitten and then took a bite. I’m making a mental note for later that he thinks I have cooties.

@rudude1 @Parkerlawyer I also do that. She just hasn’t outed me on that one.

@Parkerlawyer This is awesome and I want to high five this guy. This tops me wiping my wife's beer bottle before I took a sip. Fantastic.

@PacificGirl2021 @Parkerlawyer Well, I also did that. Redundancy.

@Parkerlawyer Why didn't he just bite the opposite end off?

@Parkerlawyer That’s only part of the story. One guy I was talking with pulled out his phone and showed me a few pictures of him with his buddy DJ Khaled, then a third guy showed me the video of him playing in a celebrity poker tournament with Justin Timberlake and Travis Kelce.

Miami is so wild. We went this weekend for the F1 race. At a party, a girl making small talk asked what we did the night before. I said, “We went to a nightclub, DJ Khaled and Travis Scott performed.” She casually said, “Oh Travis is so nice! He did Lindsey’s birthday party.”

My 79 year old mother just casually told me she got kicked out of an Applebee’s last Wednesday and I cannot ask enough questions fast enough.

@wesleybryangolf I’ve always thought breaking the course into three 6’s instead of two 9’s would also help the recreational golfer. The 1st tee and 6th green, 7th tee and 12th green, 13th tee and 18th green all close to the clubhouse. With your idea, each 6 has 2 par 3s, 2 par 4s, and 2 par 5s.

Golf course concept: 6 par 5’s 6 par 4’s (2 driveable) 6 par 3’s (2 of them under 100 yds) No bunkers, only waste areas No primary rough, only intermediate cut 10 yard wide fairways Small undulating greens Thoughts?

@VegasMapleLeaf @Parkerlawyer And Istanbul was Constantinople.

@Parkerlawyer But you see, Budapest was two cities separated by the river … Buda, and Pest

My husband took me to the Ritz Carlton, trying to romance me. Bought me a bottle of champagne and two drinks in he’s trying to geographically explain Eastern Europe to me and I just don’t think he understands how this works.

@Parkerlawyer So, according to Meatloaf: two out of three ain’t bad.

My children are 26, 23, 21, and 15. I also have 3 bonus kids 27, 24, and 23. No less than twice a day, every single day, I receive a loving text from at least one of them that reads something like this:

Discussing the end of TikTok and I explained about the possibility of Mr. Wonderful and maybe Mr. Beast saving it and my husband looked at me with utter confusion and said, “I would ask who those people are but honestly I don’t have the energy or desire to listen to the answer.”

I have a dinner date with my best girlfriend tonight and my husband said, “Are you sure I can’t come? I won’t talk too much.” And oh my god I don’t deserve him.

@Parkerlawyer You know I had a 1/2 a glass of Champagne. I don’t listen well when I’ve been drinking.

@funderlaw I told you not to tweet this.

Hear me out.., Shouldn’t the slogan be “Aquaphor, and after”, instead of “before and Aquaphor”? …no, just me?