haley 💫

one day ill be a private detective. you’ll have to call me detective nose. we will remain friends because i will not be investigating the type of crimes you do.

i know sometimes dreams come true but last night i dreamt that i ate the turkey sandwich that’s spent 3 days drying out rotting on my nightstand and im doing everything in my power to make sure that one doesn’t (I finally threw it away)

i didn’t realize “phony ponies” isn’t a common term for the rng horse racing gambling thing they have next to the keno at dive bars? that’s just what my family calls it??

once instead of working my coworker and I were looking online at houses we could afford together (so… about the price of a used car) in his hometown in rural mississippi. we had to stop the search because one house had a toilet in the middle of the living room and we died.

told my family im going out and asked if they needed anything from the store. they asked which store. bro im going to the vape store i know you don’t need anything from there but im asking because i can stop wherever you need. smh

when i get a really bad headache if im wearing my glasses they start wiggling back and forth along with my headache pounding and it makes me feel so cartoonish

i don’t really follow celebrities except for guy fieri because he gave me 500 dollars once in 2020

someone asked to feel my muscles and im not sure whether to feel creeped out or nonbinary gender affirmed (i said no btw)

in other bizarre but kind of wholesome news, i got complimented at work for the WHITE RICE i made. literally just water and white rice. they said they could tell it was made with love.

now that im back in the suburbs tailgating is actually more appealing than picnics. wdym i can just eat my pupusas right in the trunk of my car on a nice sunny day without driving to a park? and why didn’t i consider this sooner?

sometimes i want to change my instagram bio to some unhinged shit then i remember the 70+ yr old women i used to work with follow me on there

singing waiter restaurants have always felt really evil and exploitative to me idk how to explain it. it’s like hooters for theater kids

i quit my kitchen job in 2022 right after the bear came out and made it sexy to be a line cook. now im back and the trend has died out. thanks universe

at work I don’t get control of the speaker very often at all but the other day one of the frycooks had it and said “this one’s for haley!!” then played the b-52s. who told

once i laughed so hard at my coworker’s TERRIBLE photo on their ID badge they said they would get a tshirt made with that pic on it and wear it if it meant they could see me smile like that all the time. if that’s not the sweetest thing ever idk what is

i got pretty bad second degree burns from a rice cooker at work and for some reason that is so embarrassing. like all day i can use the deep fryers, the wok, the broken gas stove whose flames always come up too high. but no it was the rice cooker that got me

idk if this was just a thing where im from but there was a period of time where calling something or someone “corny” or “low budget” was the absolute worst insult and in hindsight im delighted by how innocent those insults actually are

sometimes instead of counting sheep or whatever to fall asleep I try to bore myself by recounting the layouts of every apartment ive lived in. it kinda works because sometimes i get caught up on not remembering where the bathroom was but like i KNOW it had a bathroom.. right?

the one and only time i ever went to a club, a beautiful woman dancing on a table held her hand out to me to get up and dance with her… to Justin bieber’s 2010 hit “baby.” i did it obviously but im never going back to the club.

i even went on formspring (who remembers that site) and anonymously asked one artist i liked why she didn’t write her own songs lol i was so annoying

when i was like 10 yrs i was devastated when i found out artists don’t write all their own songs. i went on a rampage looking up the credits for songs i liked and angrily commenting on their yt music videos “THEY DIDNT WRITE THIS SONG BTW!!!”