incorrect criminal minds quotes

JJ: i don't think i can stay in the same house as the person who ruined my life. Emily: oh my God, i'll buy you more cheetos in the morning!

JJ: sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. Emily: how so? JJ: it keeps you from getting in trouble for 8 hours.

Emily: JJ just texted me. Tara: so? text her back. Emily: can't. Tara: why not? Emily: have to wait. texting right back would make me look desperate. Tara: girl, you're married to her.

JJ, texting Emily: text me when you’re home safely. Emily: i’m home dangerously. JJ: stop it. Emily: i’m home lethally.

Elle: Hotch just pissed me off. Spencer: what did he do? Elle: i created a scenario in my head.

Derek: are you okay? Spencer: *finger guns* Derek: that's not really an answer. Spencer: *finger guns as he slowly backs out of the room*

JJ: Emily and i share the household chores, so we do equal work. JJ: i fold a load of towels and she re-folds them the 'right' way.

Derek: punch me in the face. Emily: you want me to punch you in the face? Derek: yes, didn't you hear me? Emily: i always hear "punch me" when you're talking, but it's usually subtext.

[at a zoo] Luke: what are they in for? Tara: Luke, this isn't prison. Luke: so they can leave? Tara: no, but– Luke, pointing at a meerkat: i bet that one murdered someone.

Derek: hey, do you know the password to Prentiss’ computer? Spencer: fuck you, Derek. Derek: fuck me yourself, nerd— Spencer: no, you misunderstood, the password is “fuckyouderek.” Derek: oh, no numbers? not very safe.

Spencer: those are poisonous, so nobody eat them. Emily: well, yeah, duh. Spencer: Hotch: Hotch: go throw up. Emily: i didn’t eat any! Hotch: go. throw. up.

JJ: have you ever broken a bone? Emily: yes. JJ: did it hurt? Emily: not at all. Spencer: really? what bone did you break? Emily: *nodding* Derek: my arm. she broke my arm.

Emily: i am darkness. i am power. i am your worst nightmare. i could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. i am the night. i am fury. i am a weapon. i am– JJ: a softie. Spencer: a golden retriever. Derek: a nerd. Penelope: a cinnamon roll. Emily *pouting*: stopppp

JJ: Emily finally went to therapy today. Rossi: how did it go? JJ: her therapist had to get a therapist.

UnSub, pointing a gun at Emily: don't move, or i'll kill you. Emily: bold of you to assume i've never been killed before.

Spencer: Emily gave me a pretty rock! Emily: i threw it at you. Spencer: she’s so sweet!

Anderson: sir, the microwave in the kitchen blew up. Hotch: not my circus, not my monkeys. Anderson: Agent Reid took responsibility. Hotch: *sighs* my circus, my monkey.

Emily, wiping tears from her eyes: if you love someone, set them free. if they come back, it’s meant to be… JJ: stop being so dramatic, i’m literally just going to the store!

Computer: please enter a password. Derek: *types in “Spencer”* Computer: your password is too weak. Derek: how fucking DARE YOU–

JJ: if i die, would you remarry? Emily: if you die, i'm putting the romance in necromancy and bringing you back. JJ: are you really going to perform dark rituals to keep me alive? Emily: i said "i do" through sickness and in health, and i meant that as a threat.