Jonathan Malm

What do celebrities do when the person they have beef releases a really great song? Like is Kanye out there somewhere singing “it’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me?”

Kraft Singles implies the existence of Kraft Spouses. What are you hiding from us, @KraftSingles?!

News commercial: Might be some crazy weather changes this week. Stay tuned at 10. Me: *checks weather app*

Do-angle or do-not-angle. There is no triangle.

I might be missing something, but has anyone looked into using the Mandela Effect on COVID-19?

How do Australians tell the difference between the country Norway and when something surprising happens?

I’m kind of convinced lobster is just an excuse to eat butter for most people.

The CDC says you need to quarantine for five days or just have Michael Todd hock a loogie in your eye.

Pandemic movies in 2019: Scientist explaining epidemiology to the protagonist. Pandemic movies in 2022: A mom with a Facebook tab open...

Laundry day is Tuesday. So Wednesday is my day of confidence.

I pronounce my gifs like I pronounce my gins.

Killed a few spiders that were crawling close to my baby. 💪 In other news: I’m no longer welcome in the arachnid exhibit at the zoo.

Dream jobs go to dream employees.

Dreamt I was paying for my meal at a restaurant when I woke up. Was actually afraid to leave the bed because I needed to get my credit card back.

Watched Dune on my iPhone. Feel like they could have made it feel more epic…

I don’t care what kind of candy it is, pink is always the best flavor.

That last piece of floss on the roll that you try to make work even though it’s too small.

The number I want to see more than how many followers a celebrity has: how many people they’ve blocked.

At what age are you supposed to buy a shoehorn?

Nobody: Moms: What gif should I use to cover my baby’s junk in this bath video?