Jack off the Dock

@emptywheel You XD yuh is a f

Watched a deer take a shit today. The hard part was negotiating the price.

In financial news, The Hulk is now bankrupt after tragically misunderstanding the meaning of ‘flipping houses’.

When my big dog dies I'm going to have him made into a sweater for the smaller one. Nothing gets wasted around here.

New name for a bad blowjob: Fellate men yawn

The secret is that a Twitter elite is just someone who has an 8 hour a day job with a lot of unsupervised internet access.

I need to move to a city where being an internet celebrity gets you pussy. There's too many real celebrities in New York for me to get laid.

The farts push out the shit.

Smile bigger, kids. Your mother expects a lot of Facebook likes for this Easter picture.

There's simply no polite way to tell your sister her baby resembles Scottie Pippen.

I've found that the Delta airplane wheel well actually has much more legroom than coach, however, it is difficult to get your free peanuts.

Cleaning out the fridge. Everything before 2012 must go!

Apparently chickens can't swim. Guess what's for dinner tonight?

April showers bring May flowers, But names will never hurt me. Or something...

It takes more than a plaid shirt to embarrass Canadians. You must also sing 'The Lumberjack Song' at every opportunity.