〽️atthew

OH. MY. GOODNESS. 😭🤯 📺 @FanDuelSN_SW

Easy way to have sex with a 10 without spending any money: Step 1: Post on Hinge that you need a date for the game and that the tickets are courtside seats. Step 2: Take out a personal loan, leverage your organs as collateral, and buy the tickets ($4,200). Step 3: Tell her to wear something tight and pick her up in a Porsche (if you don’t have a Porsche, rent one). Step 4: When you get to the game, ask what she wants to drink and say “be right back.” Go to the bathroom and put $4,200 on red on your phone. If it loses, double down. If that loses, triple down. If that loses, don’t panic—follow Step 5. Step 5: Go back to the seats and tell her that the bar at the stadium doesn’t accept Bitcoin. Ask her if you can use her Amex. She will be impressed, say yes, and hand you her wallet. Then use her Amex to quadruple down, and if needed, quintuple down. There’s no way you can lose five times in a row, right? Then go back to the seats and say, “You’re not going to believe this, but someone tried to steal your wallet. I chased him down, but he got away.” Act very sorry and sad. She will believe you, admire you for trying, and be happy to go home with you.

*the Monday after the opening weekend of March Madness..

The other night my wife called the bar and said if I wasn’t home in 10 minutes, she’d feed the dinner she cooked to the dog. I was home in 5 minutes. I’d do anything to protect that dog.

He eats at 5… i got home at 5:08 🤣

‘wyd?’ Me: ‘Nothing’ *Incoming call*

Me watching college basketball all day today and tomorrow

If you look closely you can see that all the beverages already had containers

@TMZ 🐐

🕊️ Chuck Norris has died at 86. tmz.me/N3EVxQe

"I can't wait for March Madness" Me checking my bracket 3 games in:

My perfect March Madness bracket

Next level. 😂

BIG MOOD 🥁👏

H1M.

@barstoolsports He just might have a future in the association ‼️

Interrupting March Madness to remind you that Victor Wembanyama is unreal

By this time tomorrow my bracket will already be busted, I can't wait

a real "I wasn't familiar with your game" moment in the leadup to the NCAA Tournament: I had no idea Idaho played in one of the most beautiful college basketball venues I've ever seen

@OnyxOdds Stop watching sports and read books.

You can only root for ONE group of teams for the rest of your life ... Which one are you choosing?

@awfulannouncing Joe Davis is a 🐐

Venezuela wins the World Baseball Classic over the USA in the final 3-2. "Venezuela, the best in baseball!" is the final out call from Joe Davis on Fox.