syd

⊹ introduction ⊹ syd, '00, any prns autistic university student dni minors tags: #shtwt #suicidetwt #venttwt

i hate the fact i've got three night shifts now. i like wish i was reckless enough to just say fuck those shifts and just od. i hate being responsible. i hate not wanting to let people down. i hate wanting to be "good".

so i sit in battle with my mind. i have to show up and be a good student. but i need the thought to go. and it won't go until i act. i just need to delay until i have more room in my calendar, i plead. but thoughts dgaf and they bargain and convince me i'm weak for resisting.

i like to think i'm in full control of my sh/od. but i'm sat here sobbing. my mind relentlessly wanting me to go through with my plans. but i have a shift to go to and my assignment. if i was in control, it would be easy to turn off the urges bc of those commitments. but i can't.

i really want to pencil in my calendar sh (an od) on saturday and it'll probably leave me out of action the sunday too. it's just i have an assignment due thursday and the monday is the only day i have to work on it so it's a bit of a risk because idk how i will be monday.

being an adult who shs is looking at your calendar to see when you can schedule in sh between university, work, and your other commitments lmao

small pathetic sh session tonight. experimented with friction, and then superficial cuts randomly scattered and overlapping on top. my thigh isn't my favourite place to sh (calf/shin is no. 1 for me me atm) but thigh is where went. hopefully will hurt a lil bit when i move/walk.

are amazon kai eyebrow razors (the pink ones) more dull than from other stores or am i a pathetic scaredy cat who just needs to do more pressure? like i have gotten to adipose several times with them but i'm like digging for it (wish i was joking) #shtwt

tomorrow (well technically today now) i have my fourth preliminary dbt session. not sure how to feel. it's hard because i don't have any genuine or tangible reasons to stop sh nor do i have a desire to commit to living. but i'm turning up because it's what's expected of me.