S T U G R A Y

5. Offering cheap grace and low expectations Christian porn-recovery groups have a reputation for being demoralizing. It’s not usually because guys rub it in when someone fails—it’s because often no one is succeeding. After a relapse, quick assurances of God’s forgiveness are given, the group affirms that the guy is still loved, and he’s encouraged to climb back on the horse. And I hear if you’re Catholic, you might need to add a few Hail Marys. Should we come down like a ton of bricks on a man already feeling bad about a relapse? Of course not—mercy is always there. But men are natural problem solvers. A relapse is time to get to work. The part of him that was in the driver’s seat said, “it’s OK to jerk off to porn because…” He believed that in the moment, and he needs to own it. The men around him should leave no stone unturned as he digs into the truth of his heart. That part of him that doesn’t actually want to quit, or that way that porn is subtly load bearing in his emotional life has to be discovered and addressed. Anything less is sham repentance—he’s not turning around at all, but setting himself up to repeat the exact same failure. Let’s give men leaders who inspire them and equip them with tools proven in their own lives. Overcoming porn isn’t some pie-in-the-sky goal reserved for heaven. Men need to see examples in front of them—men who can testify that they’ve actually done it. And don’t get me wrong: our dignity in Christ is absolutely central. We know we are forgiven. We know there’s mercy when we fall. But that dignity is meant to be active, not passive. Our identity in Christ is the reason we run the race before us with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Men are wired to relish the fight and strive to win. By his grace, onward to victory!