Very Brexit Problems@VeryBrexitProbs
The Reform Guide to Patriotism
Step 1:
Complain Britain is a “third world shithole” while living in the world’s 6th largest economy with free healthcare, free education, clean water and a functioning democracy.
Step 2:
Worship billionaires who don’t pay tax in Britain then blame immigrants on minimum wage for ruining the economy and your life. Bonus points if your hero is a crypto bro, a convicted fraudster or an American tech mogul who would never set foot within a thousand miles of your town.
Step 3:
Hate London with every fibre of your being despite not having visited since a school trip to the National History Museum. Call it a “foreign city” and deny it’s one of the world’s great capitals, the global centre of finance, culture, theatre, music and sport that generates a quarter of the UK’s entire GDP and quietly pays for your roads, your hospitals and your benefits. Disown it because you saw a TikTok.
Step 4:
Share hideously designed memes over and over again. Ideally featuring AI generated angry crowds with mashed up faces carrying upside down flags. Or barrel chested bulldogs.
Step 5:
Cheer every piece of bad news about your own country like you’ve won the lottery. Crime stats, NHS queues, potholes, you love it all. If it’s not true share it anyway. If something goes well pretend it didn’t happen. The only time you’re proud to be British is when you’re telling everyone how awful it is.
Step 6:
Discover Christianity despite not setting foot in a church since your mate’s wedding in 2014. Post about “defending Christian values” then spend the rest of the day calling strangers c*nts online.
Step 7:
Shout “Britain is broken” every single day while devouring GB News and trashing the BBC. Get your worldview from a channel owned by a foreign hedge fund or tax-dodging non-dom aristocrats.
Step 8:
Import American MAGA culture war talking points from people who couldn’t find Britain on a map and still insult your military, your cities and your food. Then call everyone else a traitor.
Step 9:
Obsess about boats in the Channel, the EU and the state of the entire developing world despite having practically zero personal experience of any of them.
Step 10:
Vote Reform, a party with no policies that benefit you or survive contact with a calculator. Then wonder why nothing changes.
Bonus:
Change your profile pic to a lion with a Union Jack painted on its face or a historically inaccurate crusader, misspell sovereignty in your bio and tell a stranger on the internet to “wake up” at least three times before lunch.