Emily Hebner

“The inventor of the spatula was a real one!! 🤗🤗🤗🤗” - me, to myself, cooking after smoking a joint

“In this capitalist dystopia, we focus on what we failed to accomplish, rarely reflecting on how far we’ve come.” - me, to myself, after giving up on washing a wire rack I forgot to grease before cooking chicken on it

@jappleby @parabol 💜

What brands are good at TikTok?

(me watching Top Chef All Stars, commenting on Tom Colicchio's drip): "He is NOT afraid!"

‘Wild Isles’ giving ‘Rural Juror’

@BenjaminCrew1 Jenna: “Are you all right, Jack? You look like that flashcard they told me means sadness.”

What's your favorite 30 Rock joke?

me: (working out to get in shape) my body:

it’s not a bachelorette party in your 30’s if someone doesn’t bring the Naked eyeshadow palette

What if - hear me out - all of our dads went to therapy?

.@MTA a man wielding a knife was in the first car of 2:55 C train headed to Euclid Avenue from Hoyt Schermerhorn

I’ve got my fleece-lined @Crocs on at JFK & I feel like da belle of da ball 👸🏻

@LankyMario @KuldarDroth Ahh I love it!! I love the carrots and the earring and the colors! 🐰🐰🥕🥕❤️❤️

@emheb @KuldarDroth

#PFPs #pfp #art #cartoontwt #fun #ArtistOnTwitter #artistsontwitter Would anybody like a free pfp? Just comment with what you want as your pfp and I will give you it. Here is an example:

“Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?” sure but first I shall compare The Banshees of Inisherin to Gogol’s ‘The Nose’ so buckle up pal

the medicinal benefits of sparkling water cannot be overstated. it is a corporeal, spiritual experience

@reenierosie 💚💚💚

me: "In my dream last night, I was on a yacht. And needless to say... things did NOT go well." bf: (deadpan)"What a turn of events."

🎶 I’m a star! I’m on top! Somebody bring me some haaaaaam 🎶

Nothing scarier then getting onto a subway car & seeing a guy carrying a bare ass trumpet

*watching Gladiator for the first time with my bf* me: “…I don’t like the gladiator parts.”