پن کیا گیا ٹویٹ
i’ve never opened up publicly about my past and even privately very few people have ever heard this story but this is something i’ve wanted to get off my chest for awhile and backstory on why i have a “cavern” tattoo.
in 2015 i got my first pc and i started playing csgo. during this time i was playing lacrosse year round but still found time to grind the game and by late 2016 i had made my very first team with friends to play in esea open (vivid, schanzii, antagonize, and sean). we had been scrimming consistently towards the start of the season and then january 19th rolled around and my dad called me upstairs and asked me to sit down and at the time it was pretty confusing cause he’d never been this serious with me before. that’s when he told me my mom was found dead in her home and had passed away from alcohol poisoning. i didn’t have the best relationship with her but i was still a 16 year old kid who unexpectedly lost a parent. at the time i had no clue what to do. no clue who to talk to. no clue where to go. i didn’t know what else to do other than hop on csgo and pretend like nothing was wrong. that night i played DM for over 8 hours to take my mind off things until i couldn’t move my wrist anymore. i was lost and clung onto what little structure i had and even went to school the next day. i didn’t want anyone to know what i was going through and only told my team i couldn’t practice for about a week because i had an emergency. i started isolating myself from everyone but this showed me who this is when i found out what real friends were. my teachers told my classes why i’d be gone for a week and not a single person reached out but my 4 csgo teammates who i hadn’t even played a match with yet knew something was wrong and actually made an effort to be there for me. they knew my name and city i was originally from and found a public article about my moms passing bc she was well known in the community and they proceeded to call my phone 20+ times until i answered knowing that i was just ignoring the previous calls. other than family, nobody in my life had ever put effort into being there for me and these guys went above and beyond for someone named “cavern” that they barely knew. after this i started spending more time gaming bc i was surrounded by people who actually wanted me around. i’d wake up at 6:30, go to school, come home and play cs until my dad forced me turn off my pc each night and i loved every second of it. this was one of the lowest points of my life but the friends on this team made things just a little less shitty and for that i’m forever grateful.
fast forward a couple of years, NA csgo is dying, there’s no real hope of making it competitively, and i was going off to college. i had kinda accepted that i had to move on but i loved the time i had and knew that if i got a tattoo i’d want it to reference the time in my life where i met some amazing friends, preferably something people irl wouldn’t know the meaning behind but i would.
following this, valorant came out and as it’s clear i didn’t end up quitting as new roads opened up and im where im at today. both tattoos i’ve gotten have a lot of meaning to me, but i specifically wanted something that held personal meaning and couldn’t just be interpreted from one glance by people who didn’t know me. yeah it’s cringe to have my ign as a tattoo but at the end of the day idc because if i didn’t have gaming and the friends i’d met through gaming, i have no clue where i’d be today.
this isn’t asking for pity or anything like that. many people have made jokes and flamed me for having a tattoo of my ign and this isn’t for them either. it’s just something i’ve wanted to talk about for awhile and i guess nows a time where i feel comfortable enough opening up about it + hopefully it answers some questions i’ve previously dodged on stream.
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