Skurt Vonnegut

Dejected, Kool Aid Man whispers, "0h yeah." The swat team takes the building.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to get chased out of town by a crooked sheriff

walmart can be your happy place if you want it bad enough

You can go double the speed limit if you’re pure of heart

THINGS THAT AREN'T REAL: - Santa Claus - The Easter Bunny - Heather Locklear - my metabolism - the American dream - serving sizes - Miss Cleo - being well-rested - cute photos of your baby

I think I know what I’m talking about. I am, after all, the only one here smoking a grape cigar.

*flirting* I looked up the latitude and longitude of each of our houses and calculated the deltas down to seconds. Want to know the compass bearing from your place to mine?

@ShilC072820 If I were the emu, I'd simply eat that little smart ass gecko

I just know that LiMu Emu and the Geico Gecko got serious beef with each other.

real homies will frolic in a field with you

Pop-Pop claimed purple nurple injuries kept him out of Nam.

Need more proof that we're the greatest country in the world? 65k kids who weren't smart enough to get into M.I.T. simulated a seismic event while drunk off their asses.

@ThisLocalHater You knuckleheads

Old timey kid voice: Why I oughta!

It's now or never! Or you know, whenever. It depends.

I’m not “gaslighting” my girlfriend: I’m slowly eroding her self confidence because she is mentally weak

sometimes i worry that i'm an asshole but i think it's the worrying part that confirms i'm not

Adam Friedland is the Meg Griffin of comedy

*aggressively brandishing a half eaten Slim Jim* now you listen to me you little punks

The perfect outfit is like the perfect man, it makes you feel good about yourself and hugs you in all the right places.

@GDitka I didn't know he was still alive