Not Today Eric

The best clothing item ever invented is the hoodie. Everyone knows that.

People that sneeze seven times in a row are not human.

@herprettybones 😂😂

@NotTodayEric I’m gonna call and sing this for you. 😂😂

Who remembers this song: “Enformer yaknogddkbvxdhgoblame a licky boom boom down”

Irish goodbye: leaving without saying goodbye. Twitter goodbye: leaving and coming back in two minutes.

I bet the average person spends 6.5 years of their life waiting for people to back into parking spaces.

@daddygofish @Jane_Doe82 😂

We bumped into my wife's bestie on our walk which was cool because I always wondered what it would feel like to spend 45 minutes holding a bag of dog poop.

@efiorentino31 🤘🏻

AM1s in the office today. ☑️

@UncleRaysWay I am where the cheeseburgers are.

@NotTodayEric are you in Florida by chance?

Not sure what my 15 mins of fame will be but “Local Man Arrested In Cheeseburger Heist” sounds about right.

I don’t mean to complain that I’m tired all the time it’s just that I’m tired all the time.

Avoiding people should count as resistance training.

Sunday is the day of rest so I’m eating the rest of all the food in my kitchen.

If your server says "enjoy your meal" and you say "you too" they should get to eat with you.

@CleoLoughlin Jail or marriage?

@NotTodayEric The "good news" is my neighbor was just sentenced to 7 years.🙄

Parents today: omg are you ok? Parents when I was a kid: are you bleeding? no? then you're fine.

Big day for pies.

I heard a 35 year old say they’re middle aged and now we’re both crying.

Dear kids, we used to pretend the floor was lava. It was intense.

@earthcurated Indeed.

One day we returned our Blockbuster movies for the last time and didn’t even know it.