Anthony McHats

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

Sure, calling it chicken gravy is fine, but I just feel that ‘roostershire sauce’ would’ve been so much better.

@deloisivete x.com/i/status/20032…

When you have kids, WTF stands for Where are all The Forks

@TripperDay thanks for not giving up on it 😊

@TheHatStore That took me a second.

me: [first day as therapist] name something that causes you anxiety patient: being weighed me: it says here your name is frank

boss: you're late me: sorry I got stuck behind a TSA line on the freeway

me: do you accept returns tattoo artist: no

[guy naming weeds] this one looks like a lion, but dandier

@ItsAndyRyan A what on a what

me: how can i impress the ladies friend: put a potato in your pants [later] date: where are your pants? me: *pushing them across the table* open it

[being buried alive] murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

nurse: we need a stool sample me: how small a piece are we talking

what do the dudes who have loud fart can mufflers on their cars want from us

ME: It's a kid's movie about a dragon who disguises himself as a nanny PRODUCER: Keep talking ME: called Mrs Mouthfire HIM: Get out

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other