Anthony McHats

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

[funeral] me: *solemnly places flowers on coffin* widow: is that a lei

[looking deeply into each other’s eyes] me: where is all this headed optometrist: glaucoma

me: can you give me an epidural first optometrist: [holding eye dropper] it's not that kind of dilation

@john_malone 😂😂

@TheHatStore Get multiple fake mustaches. The Costco lady will never know you are three kids in a trenchcoat.

me: [eating 9th cocktail weenie] these should come with little buns like baby hot dogs lady at costco giving away samples: you're only supposed to take one

You used to be able to live inside a whale on a single income, without a college degree.

ME: Why did they call it the endocrine system and not the secrete service SURGEON: How are you still even awake?

Shout out to the mom who signed up for paper plates within seconds of the class end-of-year party list going live

me: [eating tapeworms] I'm just getting hungrier

[going on vacation] wife: did you forget anything me: I can’t do fractions anymore

Her: how many children do you want Me: *lowering the menu* what the hell kind of restaurant is this

Date: so you were married twice before? Me: yes Date: any kids Me: no they were both adults

Me: *carefully going around the victims body with chalk* Detective: We don’t usually outline the balls Me: oh I’m not a cop lol

Packed your bags last night pre-flight? I pack my bags ON the plane, cowards.

If the T-1000 could take on any form, why didn’t it just become a surfboard and wait for John Connor to hang ten?

Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week thepoke.com/2026/05/22/our…

@im_all_id 20 inch babies are so last century

I only want people to tell me how long their baby was if it was over 3 feet

@rn_murse I have no idea why but this made me lol

a glory hole, but for baby corn